


Personnel Issues

by PinkFairy727



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Multi, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-10-19
Updated: 2010-10-19
Packaged: 2017-10-12 18:48:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 41,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/127933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PinkFairy727/pseuds/PinkFairy727
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Torchwood Three email newsletter: an excuse to gossip, bitch, plan dates, fight, and discuss squirrel rats. Co-authored with sparking_off.</p><p>Warnings: canon character death and swearing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Newsletter no. 39

**Author's Note:**

> Written for round 2 of the tw_bigbang. Thank you to etmuse for the beta-read.

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Newsletter no. 39

 

News

As I’m sure most of us have realised, Captain Harkness has now returned from being AWOL for three months. He will no doubt enjoy getting back to work, and I’m sure we will all help him with any adjustments he needs to make after his unauthorised absence.

 

John Hart’s arrival and subsequent disappearance means our Rift and temporal monitoring systems are having a quiet meltdown, but our excellent technician Toshiko is doing a remarkable job of getting everything back under control.

 

Three weevil sightings this week, one blowfish (on drugs), and only two sheep attacks reported – Myfanwy’s training continues.

 

Personnel issues

Gwen, I still haven’t received your holiday request form for your honeymoon; please can I have that as soon as possible, otherwise it won’t be authorised in time. In relation to that, I would like to point out to certain team members that I am not responsible for providing suits for the wedding, so Owen can go and get his own, thank you very much.

 

Jack, I’ve been forging your signature for the past three months so we’ve all been paid; you’ve been off-salary. You’ll need to sign forms 42-c and 43-a to be returned to the payroll.

 

Whoever has been feeding Myfanwy pizza will _**CEASE**_ immediately or clean up the resulting mess themselves. You have been warned.

 

Inmates

Three weevils (Janet, Tyler and Marlene).

A Hoix (unnamed, because we’re hoping it’ll starve, quite frankly).

Fish tank (two new arrivals this week, there may have been more but I think they were eaten).

Squirrel rats (nine – one died, I think it was pining).

Four humans (Ianto, Gwen, Tosh & Owen).

One time-traveller, apparently.

Pteranodon (Myfanwy).

Mould (growing in the mugs Owen refuses to let me clean).

 

Miscellaneous

Tosh has lost a silver necklace with a locket. If found, please return to her.

 

Jack, you have a new mug, because the old one was broken.

 

Owen, for the last time, if you don’t put those mugs in the dishwasher I will classify them as a biological hazard and put them into containment boxes.

 

I shall be taking a day off this Friday. Please try not to destroy the Hub in my absence. Gwen has graciously volunteered to do the food rounds in my place.

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39

 

Oi! I’ve told you before it’s not _mould_ it’s _flora_. I’m trying to grow my own civilisation, with me as their supreme ruler. (And no, before anybody mentions it, I DID NOT get the idea from ‘Horton Hears A Who’!)

 

Last time I checked, Ianto, your job title was still ‘General Support Officer’. I find weddings traumatic, therefore, it is your job to support me through this dreadful time and one way you can do that is by picking me up a suit.

 

Also, how come Tosh managed to get the emails working, but I still can’t get onto YouTube or Facebook or anything bloody useful?! You need to get your priorities sorted, Tosh!

 

...I don’t think that Squirrel Rat died from pining. Just saying.

 

Gwen’s not on coffee rounds as well on Friday, is she? Because if she is, I’m calling in sick.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39

 

Owen, Ianto doesn’t have to support you outside work. I’m sure you’ll look very handsome in an actual suit for once. And the reason the email is working is because it’s necessary for work – Youtube and Facebook aren’t, although I think Ianto’s making a case for Youtube. It’s amazing the things that turn up on there from the general public.

 

I’m sorry, Ianto, I think it might have been me that let Myfanwy have pizza – not on purpose, only I had some leftovers out the other day and I think she might have stolen a slice. It was her or Owen, anyway.

 

Update on the computers: mostly fine, with a few hiccups. The Rift prediction software says it should be quiet for a few more days, so I should be able to get it all sorted out soon.

 

Enjoy your day off, Ianto – doing anything nice?

 

By the way, we’re out of pink wafer biscuits…

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard. Don’t mess with me._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39

 

We’re also out of chocolate bonbons. And jelly babies. I think Gwen ate the last of the Kit-Kats as well.

 

You trying to say I don’t look handsome in my white coat, Tosh? I’ll have you know women all over the United Kingdom have swooned over this white coat.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God._

p.s. We’re also running low on jammy dodgers.

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39

 

There’s a shopping list attached to the fridge, you are all perfectly welcome to add to it. I’ll do a shop later, but I’ve got a few things to do first.

 

Owen, that is not flora, that is a hazard to everyone’s health. As you’ve correctly pointed out, my job is General Support Officer. Generally supporting the team means keeping you healthy, which does NOT include allowing you to keep coffee mould. It’s going.

 

Thanks, Tosh, just going to visit my sister.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39

 

Sorry Ianto, I’ll get that form done asap. I meant to have it done for two days ago, but what with Captain John and the blowfish and everything it must have slipped my mind.

 

Owen Harper that is a lie, you know I hate kit kats.

 

Tosh, have you seen my make-up bag? I thought I left it in the toilets but I couldn’t find it.

 

 **Gwen**

 _Soon to be Mrs Williams!_

 

* * *

To: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39

 

Gwen, I found your make-up bag in the kitchen, I’ve put it on your desk for you. Have you and Rhys set a date? You know, on some planets it’s custom for the groom to kiss all the unmarried men at the wedding. I was at this one wedding where they went even further and all the unmarried men, plus the groom and few bridesmaids, ended up in bed together. Best. Wedding. Ever.

 

Owen, don’t think I didn’t see that bit about the Squirrel Rat. I want to know EXACTLY what happened to it. My office, NOW.

 

Tosh, you’re doing a fantastic job as always. Keep it up. :)

 

Ianto, as fond as I was of the old mug I’m sure I’ll like the new one even more. Fancy staying back tonight and helping me with those forms? ;)

 

 **Captain Jack Harkness**

 _Needs a new signature seeing as how Owen stole my original one._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39

 

Computers should be working normally again. Owen, you’ll be pleased to hear that access to Youtube has been reinstated, against my better judgement. You won’t be able to access your favourite porn sites, though.

 

Ianto, since you’re off tomorrow, could you get me some files from the archives before you leave tonight? I don’t need them today, but I don’t want to risk making a mess down there tomorrow looking for them!

 

Also, my locket has been found, thank you to whoever put it on my desk this morning.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard. Don’t mess with me._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39

 

I’m suggesting a new rule for these newsletter emails. No emoticons. I hate the bloody things.

 

 **Gwen**

 _Soon to be Mrs Williams!_

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39

 

Sure, Tosh, just let me know which ones.

 

The biscuit tin is now fully stocked again. If it’s empty when I get in on Saturday, I will Not Be Happy.

 

And Jack? No.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god, pissed off._

 

* * *

 

To: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39

 

Saturday then? Or Sunday night, I’m flexible ;)

 

Thanks again, Tosh. I’m sure I speak for us all when I tell you how grateful we are that we don’t have to listen to any more of Owen’s moaning.

 

Oh, and Owen? That report looks suspiciously like Solitaire from up here.

 

 **Captain Jack Harkness**

 _Still needs a new signature. Any suggestions?_

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39

 

Did you get my jelly babies?

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39

 

Owen – yes.

 

Jack – no and no.

 

I am now leaving the office. I won’t be back until Saturday morning and if you’ve all drowned in your own filth I won’t be sorry for you.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god, very pissed off._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39

 

It’s really quiet when Ianto’s not in, isn’t it? It’s weird, he’s so quiet himself!

 

Weevil sighting in Roath – Owen, up for it? Jack, we’ll handle it.

 

 **Gwen**

 _Soon to be Mrs Williams!_

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39

 

Just let me grab my coat. Tosh, you’re coming too. You’ve not moved from your desk in two days. Your...whatever it is you’re doing can wait.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper.**

 _Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God._

 

* * *

 

To: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 39

 

Okay, just...be careful.

 

 **Captain Jack Harkness**


	2. Newsletter no. 40

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Newsletter no. 40

 

News

After the events of earlier this week, I’m pleased to say the clean-up operation is almost complete. All pertinent witnesses have been retconned as appropriate, and Tosh has fed the media a particularly clever cover story. Detective Swanson is suspicious, but our working relationship with the Cardiff police force has improved dramatically since Gwen and I took over from Jack’s rather bull-headed methods of communication.

 

Four weevil sightings as well as, of course, the sleeper cell, and another drugged blowfish. I suggest we look into the possibility of them starting up another drugs racket, although the fact that the two blowfish were stoned rather suggests they weren’t dealing.

 

Also, the Hoix has finally starved to death, and Owen is now responsible for either disposal or autopsy.

 

Personnel issues

Jack, you still haven’t signed those forms, thus you are still working unpaid. I’m sure this doesn’t matter to you, but I would like the paperwork up to date by the end of the week, please.

 

Owen, for the hundredth time, you cannot claim expenses for clothing ruined after work hours. I do not care how many times you swear at me, you will not be receiving compensation for clothing torn in bar fights or wild sex escapades.

 

Also I think everyone is aware by now that in three months Gwen will be getting married: I suggest the rest of you make sure the two weeks afterwards are in your diaries, as you will not be able to take leave during those weeks.

 

Inmates

Three weevils (Janet, Tyler and Marlene).

Fish tank.

Squirrel rats (still at nine, but I think one’s pregnant).

Four humans (Ianto, Gwen, Tosh & Owen).

One stupid captain.

Pteranodon (Myfanwy).

 

Miscellaneous

Tosh would like to inform the team in general that eating and drinking next to the computers is strictly forbidden. On a related note, I will hurt whoever had the audacity to bring instant into the Hub.

 

Also I’d like it clearly noted that handcuffs left on my desk will be put into the incinerator.

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40

 

But what about if I got into a bar-fight with what I thoughtwas a Weevil, but was actually just a really ugly barman? Then do I get compensation?

 

I’ll autopsy the Hoix, we’ve not had one in a while. I want to compare it to the last one as this one seemed to take a lot longer to starve.

 

When’s the next coffee round? I’m going to need caffeine for this. And biscuits, preferably chocolate ones.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God._

 

* * *

 

To: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40

 

I’ll get the forms done by the end of the week. Promise. But, you know, I’d get them done much quicker if you stayed back and helped me. Oh, and thank you for getting my coat sorted, I appreciate it. :)

 

There’s nothing wrong with my people skills – Detective Swanson just never forgave me for that time we shot the Welsh Rugby mascot. Not my fault it was a Weevil in disguise.

 

So, who’s going to own up to the handcuffs because, believe it or not, they’re not mine! Though, I’ll take them if nobody else wants them ;)

 

 **(A very, very apologetic) Captain Jack Harkness**

 _Did I mention I’m sorry, because I am very sorry. Extremely sorry even. Please stop ignoring my emails, Ianto, otherwise I WILL be forced to take drastic measures._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40

 

Oi! How come Jack gets his coat repaired and I don’t even get my favourite shirt dry-cleaned?! FAVOURITISM, IANTO!

 

Speaking of favouritism, how come Jack gets to use smiley faces and I don’t? Last time I used one I had a dead arm for three days! I expect you to punch Jack, Gwen, the next time you see him or I’m taking this to the union (assuming we have a union).

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40

 

Coffee and biscuits will be round in ten minutes for everyone.

 

Owen, I am not your servant, therefore I will not be doing your dry-cleaning. Jack’s coat is an entirely different matter. And no, you don’t get compensation in those circumstances. After work means after work.

 

Jack, the end of the week is fine. The forms are already filled in except your reason for absence, where you went, and of course your signature. I hardly think you need my help to complete them. And I’m not ignoring your emails, I’m simply showing them the same courtesy you showed myself and the rest of the team.

 

The squirrel rat, by the way, is almost certainly pregnant. It’s nesting and getting bigger. Owen, could you do a scan or an ultrasound or something? I’d like to know what to expect.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god, irritated and let down._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40

 

Owen, don’t worry, he’ll be hit. I really **really** hate emoticons!!!! Grrr!

 

And if we have a union I want to know about it!

 

I’m still not comfortable with letting the hoixes starve to death. It seems cruel somehow. I mean, they are sentient to some extent, aren’t they?

 

Anyone mind if I take next Tuesday off? I have a dress fitting in the morning, so I’d be in by lunchtime.

 

 **Gwen**

 _Soon to be Mrs Williams!_

 

* * *

 

To: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>,

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40

 

Right, Ianto, meet me outside the Tourist Information Centre in 15 minutes. I think it’s about time we talked. If you’re going to throw something at me I’d much rather it was a packet of chips than one of Tosh’s scanners or my coffee cup.

 

You three, don’t blow anything up while we’re gone. And no, we don’t have a union. Feel free to make one.

 

 **(An increasingly irate) Captain Jack Harkness**

 _Still looking for a new signature._

 

 *** * ***

 

To: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>,

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40

 

p.s. Yes, Gwen, you can have next Tuesday morning off. Why don’t you take the whole day off? Spend it doing wedding stuff with Rhys. Just make sure you keep your phone on and we’ll not call you unless it’s an emergency.

 

 **(A still irate) Captain Jack Harkness**

 _Seriously, any suggestions?!_

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40

 

They’ve been gone a long time, should we be worried or pleased?

 

Also – Gwen, the Hoix aren’t sentient as I think you mean it. From what we can tell they’re just like animals. Also we can’t afford to feed it, and we can’t let it go. Owen and previous medics have found it’s actually the most humane way to kill them. They have odd reactions to poisons and things.

 

Jack, when you get back, can you take a look at something for me? I’ve got an idea for updating the Rift prediction software, but I’d appreciate your input.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard. Don’t mess with me._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40

 

Good thing, surely?

 

 **Gwen**

 _Soon to be Mrs Williams!_

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40

 

It depends. I’m guessing they’re either shagging like rabbits or Ianto has Jack tied up somewhere and he’s finding new and inventive ways to kill him. When, or if, they come back, I suspect we’ll be able to tell. Even Jack wouldn’t be smiling if he’d just spent four hours with a knife in his chest.

 

Trust me, Gwen, you don’t want to see what happens when a Hoix is injected with morphine. Messy doesn’t even begin to cover it.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40

 

My love life is none of the team’s concern, thank you very much. Or do you want decaf?

 

Where are you going for your fitting, Gwen?

 

Owen, about that scan for the pregnant squirrel rat – will you do it or not?

 

 **Ianto**

 _Pleasantly surprised but still not entirely confident. But still the coffee god._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40

 

Throw in another bag of jelly babies and promise not to put me on decaf for the rest of the year and we have a deal.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40

 

Sure thing, Tosh. I need to call the PM, but I’ll be down as soon as I’m done. You need me to bring anything or just myself?

 

 **(A moderately happier) Captain Jack Harkness**

 _I’m giving up on the signatures as I’ve got far more important things to think about._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40

 

Owen – you can have the jelly babies, and I’ll give you the really good coffee for three days. Final offer. I can probably figure out how to use the equipment myself, you know.

 

Don’t forget Jack and I are leaving early today, please. We’ll have phones for Rift emergencies, but that really does mean emergencies, which do not include running out of coffee, biscuits, or amusement. Owen, I’m talking to you.

 

And don’t forget Gwen’s out tomorrow. Oh, and Friday is the 20th, so I expect we’ll all want to be in bright and early for Tommy.

 

 **Ianto**

 _A cautiously optimistic coffee god_

 

 _* * *_

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40

 

No, just yourself, please. Fully clothed and presentable, if you don’t mind!

 

So is Jack taking you out, Ianto? I hope you held out for somewhere really fancy. You deserve it after the way he left you.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard, living vicariously._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40

Make it five days and I promise to do the scan AND not ring unless the world is coming to an end.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God._

 

 _* * *_

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40

 

No problem, Tosh. I’ll be down in a few minutes. And yes, I am taking Ianto out. Yes, I’m taking him somewhere fancy. And yes, I will make it up to him if he lets me. (I’d promise to tell you all the gory details, but the last time I did that I was drinking instant for a month. Not going through that again!)

 

 **(An excited) Captain Jack Harkness**

 _Wants to know what Owen did with his hair-gel._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40

 

Owen – you have a deal.

 

Jack – don’t be late _._

 

 **Ianto**

 _A cautiously optimistic coffee god_

 


	3. Newsletter no. 41

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Newsletter no. 41

 

News

Tommy Brockless was successfully thawed and has fulfilled the purpose for which Torchwood has kept him in cryo-freeze. He was a very brave man. The Rift has been sealed and Tosh reports no anomalies.

 

Three weevil sightings and two dead dogs. Apparently Myfanwy’s gone off sheep.

 

The coffee machine is dying; don’t worry, I’ve ordered a new one (Jack, I forged your signature rather than bother waiting for the wailing to stop long enough for me to actually get you to sign the expenses form), but if there’s substandard coffee for a week it isn’t my fault. To placate you, I’ll get pastries every day from the bakery near my flat.

 

Personnel issues

Jack is finally back on the payroll (hurrah).

 

Tosh has taken three days of holiday, barring emergencies, and will not be back in the office until Sunday.

 

Inmates

Two weevils (Janet and Marlene – Tyler has finally succumbed to the disease that Owen refuses to call cancer).

Fish tank (less one baby fish – eaten).

Squirrel rats (one definitely pregnant).

Five humans (Jack, Ianto, Gwen, Tosh & Owen).

Pteranodon (Myfanwy).

 

Miscellaneous

Gossip is not appreciated by anybody.

 

Tosh has asked me to remind everyone – _again_ – that no food or drink is to be consumed near computers. Jack. Gwen. Pay attention.

 

Owen wants to know why there are condoms in his desk drawer. I should think the answer is obvious, but said I would include it here.

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41

 

It was just that one time, Ianto, Tosh. Can’t we just forget about it? I’m really much better with the computers now. Three feet at all times with food and drink, honest!

 

And I would never gossip, me!...so how was the date?

 

 **Gwen**

 _Getting very excited!_

 

* * *

 

To: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41

 

Hey! How come only Gwen and I are mentioned? Owen’s the one who keeps leaving chocolate wrappers at his desk. He’s also the one who got tomato sauce on the Rift Manipulator the last time we had Fish and Chips.

 

I’ve spoken to Tosh this morning and, though she appreciates your concern, Gwen, she said she’d rather nobody goes over to check-up on her. I know she was very upset, but I think it’ll be best if we all just leave her alone.

 

 **(A reasonably happy and content) Captain Jack Harkness**

 _Coffee, Ianto? Please? I promise not to complain if it’s...substandard._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41

 

Shouldn’t it be mentioned in the Personnel issues that Ianto has obviously lost leave of his senses and we should all take a cautious approach when talking to him? Unless, of course, anybody has a better reason for why he's shagging Jack again?

 

Speaking of, Ianto, you have let me down. I thought you would have more sense than that. Which of you girls had four weeks before he’d cave and let Jack back into his pants?

 

Also, Ianto, the Weevil (I refuse to call it Tyler. Wasn’t Jack banned from naming the Weevils? If not, WHY NOT?!) didn’t die of cancer, it died of Weevil pneumonia.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe, Sex-God and apparently the only person, with the possible exception of Tosh, left on this team who isn’t insane._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41

 

What’s the matter, Owen, jealous?

 

Jack, you and Gwen are mentioned because despite his faults, Owen’s never broken a keyboard through pouring liquid onto it. You two have.

 

Coffee and pastries in…five minutes, Jack?

 

By the way, Owen, any idea of the gestation period for the squirrel rat? She’s getting…rather large.

 

 **Ianto**

 _A rather satisfied coffee god._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41

 

…is that code for you two snogging in his office?

 

 **Gwen**

 _Getting very excited!_

 

* * *

 

To: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41

 

I’ve only broken two keyboards by getting liquid on them. The others were broken in more...enjoyable situations ;)

 

Since when have I needed code, Gwen? I’m shocked. Though, now you mention it, snogging in the office is not a bad idea...

 

 **(An optimistic) Captain Jack Harkness**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com> Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>,

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41

 

Not jealous, just disappointed. I thought you had more sense. I mean, Jack? You do realise this isn’t going to end well? And that is all I have to say on the subject. I don’t want to know anything; nothing about dates, how madly in love you are or if you suddenly decide you’re getting married and want a Weevil to walk you down the aisle. This means don’t email me footage, Jack, or you’ll find I don’t give you the good drugs next time you decide to fall off of a building.

 

I’m expecting the squirrel-rat to give birth any day now. I’ve got a section of the autopsy room prepared just in case there are any complications, but I think it’s probably best if we get her into an isolated cell and then, hopefully, just allow nature to take its course.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe, Sex-God and completely uninterested in the sex-lives of his fellow alien-hunters._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41

 

I’ve had sudden visions of a weevil walking Ianto down an aisle. It’s not pretty. Jack, if weevils disrupt my wedding I will kill you. Lots of times.

 

 **Gwen**

 _Getting rather worried now…_

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41

 

Your thoughts are noted, Owen. Don’t worry, I’m not being stupid.

 

Gwen, you’re getting married outside Cardiff; Weevils tend to stick to the city centre. You should be safe. If not, don’t worry, I’ll be bringing my gun and weevil spray.

 

Also, Owen, if Jack falls off a building he’ll be dead. Therefore the good drugs won’t be needed.

 

 **Ianto**

 _A rather satisfied coffee god._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41

 

The good drugs aren’t to stop him dying, they’re to stop him complaining about a bad head/back/arse etc when he comes back. Though, following the our recent experience with Captain John, can I personally request, Jack, that you not fall off any more buildings? If I have to go through all that complaining again I’ll find a way to kill you and make it stick.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God._

 

* * *

 

To:, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41

 

Don’t worry, Gwen, there’s no way your wedding could be as bad as the Torchwood Wedding of 1989 when the groom turned out to have a Water Hog growing in his throat. We’ll take our weapons just in case, but I’m sure they won’t be needed. :)

 

 **(A freshly caffeinated) Captain Jack Harkness**

 

 *** * ***

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41

 

Oh dear. Jack, I’m not entirely sure you should have said that.

 

 **Ianto**

 _A very satisfied coffee god._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41

 

1) STOP USING THOSE BLOODY SMILEY FACES.

2) If my wedding is ruined by weevils or water hogs or John bloody Hart, I am not kidding, I will make you HURT.

 

 **Gwen**

 _Getting rather worried now…_

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40

 

Good morning, everyone. Thanks to whoever left a chocolate croissant at my desk.

 

Gwen, if you start panicking about the wedding, find a paper bag and breathe into it and then have a glass of water.

 

Ianto, has the new coffee machine arrived yet?

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard – be afraid, be very afraid!_

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41

 

Should be here on Monday, Tosh. Fancy going out for lunch today?

 

Oh, and Owen, I don’t appreciate the joke.

 

 **Ianto**

 _A very satisfied coffee god._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41

 

Squirrel rat appears to have gone into labour; looking good so far. Further update to follow.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe, Sex-God and Squirrel-Rat Midwife Extraordinaire!_

 

 _* * *_

 

To: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41

 

Nice to have you back, Tosh. I know I speak for all of us, including Owen, when I say it's not been the same without you.

 

Seeing as how the sun is shining for once why don't we all go out for lunch to welcome back Tosh and to celebrate the birth of the squirrel-rat (assuming it goes okay)? My treat. :)

 

 **(A peckish) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

 _* * *_

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41

 

I can confirm that Mummy squirrel-rat has given birth to a healthy, male, baby squirrel-rat. Baby squirrel-rat was delivered naturally and it is a healthy weight. At least I assume it's a healthy weight as it doesn't look malnourished and those past reports Ianto found for me were completely unhelpful.

 

I am also pleased to announce that Baby squirrel-rat obviously gets it's looks from Daddy squirrel-rat as it's a damn sight better looking than its Mother.

 

Girls, if one of you brings me a Kit-Kat you can come coo over it now. Oh, and Ianto, the Mother's cell needs cleaned. Looks like squirrel-rat birth is just as messy as a human birth. Ta.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe, Sex-God and Squirrel-Rat Midwife Extraordinaire!_

 

 *** * ***

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41

 

Sorry Jack, maybe another day. Ianto and I like our lunches together.

 

That baby is just adorable! But…should it be eating its own amniotic fluid like that?

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard – be afraid, be very afraid!_

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41

 

Lunch sounds good to me, Jack – you can take me and Owen out, let those two have their gossipy lunch by themselves.

 

Owen, you should clean it up yourself. You’re the doctor after all.

 

 **Gwen**

 _Back to excited again!_

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41

 

I’m not sure, Tosh, but I suspect not. Frankly, I’m more worried about the way the mother is looking at it. It looks far too much like the weevils during feeding hour for my comfort. Somebody bring me back a sandwich, I think I’m going to be here a while.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe, Sex-God and Soon To Be Squirrel-Rat Expert._

 

* * *

 

To: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41

 

Looks like it’s just me and you, Gwen. How does twenty minutes sound? What sandwich do you want, Owen?

 

Tosh, Ianto, will you just promise me you’ll not go to Starbucks? I’m fairly certain we got all those Chimera coffee beans, but better safe than sorry. You two thinking you’re leprechauns for an afternoon I can handle. You two thinking you’re Judoon and attempting to over-throw the planet...well that worries me, mostly because I think you’d probably succeed. (And before you even say it, Ianto, this is NOT a suggestion, a good idea or whatever smart-arse reply you’re cooking up in that brain of yours.)

 

 **(An ever-so-slightly worried) Captain Jack Harkness**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41

 

I have no idea what you’re talking about, Jack. And I’m sure Tosh doesn’t either.

 

Owen, if you haven’t already, I’d suggest moving the baby into an empty cell.

 

Also, Jack, using coffee beans to create lewd artwork on my desk isn’t going to make me sleep with you before the third date. Just so you know.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god, plotting world domination_

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41

 

Got to get out early tonight, hope nobody minds – Rhys has a surprise planned, apparently!

 

 **Gwen**

 _Back to excited!_

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41

 

I would never plot. Perhaps ponder, but never plot. I’m amazed you thought such a thing, Jack.

 

Ianto, shall we do lunch again on Friday?

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard – be afraid, be very afraid!_

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41

 

I’ve moved them both so they’re now at opposite ends of level 3, though I’m still not happy with the look on the mother’s face. She was gnawing at the wall when I left. I’m going to try increasing her food, see if that helps.

 

Bacon please, Jack. With plenty of brown-sauce. Oh, and make sure you get it from Milligans, not Greggs or Dixons, and make sure it’s hot. There’s nothing worse than a cold bacon sarnie.

 

Also, Jack, you are an idiot.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe, Sex-God and Soon To Be Squirrel-Rat Expert._

 

* * *

 

To: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41

 

...Uh, Ianto, I’ve not touched your coffee-beans. I admit, I did all the drawings on your note-pads, but I’ve not been near your desk since last night. Does this mean I’ve got a rival for your affections? Should I be jealous?

 

Seeing as how we were in late last night I was going to let you go early tonight anyway, Gwen. Same rules as always, just make sure you keep your mobile handy, just in case.

 

 **(An intrigued) Captain Jack Harkness**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41

 

…if it wasn’t you, who the hell was it?

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god, plotting world domination._

 


	4. Newsletter no. 42

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Newsletter no. 42

 

News

 

After the events of yesterday, Owen and I have finally finished disposing of the space whale and all evidence. Unfortunately we can’t tell if there’s any meat still on the market, but if there is, it should be gone fairly soon. The workers have all been Retconned and placed in rehabilitation centres far from Cardiff, as unfortunately there was a slight miscalculation with the dosage and they’ve forgotten several years.

 

Rhys Williams is now aware of Torchwood and what we do. He acted very bravely and was of great help during the investigation. Owen says his wound will heal well.

 

Personnel issues

 

Gwen has requested a day’s leave to look after her fiancé.

 

I have also submitted a request for two days’ leave at the weekend.

 

Inmates

Two weevils (Janet and Marlene).

Fish tank.

Squirrel rats (10 – one infant).

Five humans (Jack, Ianto, Gwen, Tosh & Owen).

Pteranodon (Myfanwy).

 

Miscellaneous

 

Owen has decided to keep a closer eye on the stock of Retcon. It will now be under lock and key, and every pill must be accounted for.

 

Do not request anything for lunch involving meat for at least three weeks; by this time, Tosh estimates, any remaining suspect meat should be out of circulation. If you want a ham sandwich, etc, buy it yourself.

 

I will be spending the next few days sorting out a section of the archives; interruptions for coffee will not be appreciated.

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42

 

Are you alright, Ianto?

 

 

 

I can’t get that creature’s cries out of my head.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard – be afraid, be very afraid!_

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42

 

Owen would also like to point out that any Torchwood personnel who gets taken hostage, however briefly, must get a full medical. Yes, Ianto, I did notice you sneaking out last night, and yes, I can see you rubbing your wrists, so don’t even THINK about going into those archives until I’ve checked you over.

 

You’ve got ten minutes to get your arse down here or I’ll give you your flu vaccine early, WITHOUT anybody holding your hand.

 

Tosh, if you feel you want to talk about the other day, from a medical point-of-view, you know where I am. If you’d feel more comfortable talking to somebody else I can email you the details for some councillors. A couple even know about what we do, following Canary Wharf; I think some of them are also on the UNIT pay-roll, but don’t let that put you off.

 

For future reference; I’m never ordering a meat-feast pizza again.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42

 

Ianto, I am neither amused nor impressed that you’ve not been to see Owen yet. You know the protocol. Get down there now before I drag you down.

 

Tosh, my door is always open if you want to talk about anything. That applies to the rest of you. I also found this Trakenite jewellery box in my room the other day. I forgot I even had it. I’ve also forgot the code to get it open. You fancy having a play-around with it?

 

 **(A decidedly unimpressed) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42

 

I’m fine, as I’m sure Owen will concur in ten minutes.

 

And Jack? If you attempt to drag me anywhere I will hurt you. Don’t think I won’t.

 

And I wasn’t sneaking, I was leaving in full view. It was hardly my fault that Gwen had already left, Owen was busy in autopsy and Tosh was immersing herself in technology.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Pissed off coffee god._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42

 

Ianto! I didn’t know you were hurt! Owen, he’s alright, isn’t he? But you’re right, Ianto, you weren’t sneaking out – none of us were paying any attention to anything but our own misery last night, and we all should have known better.

 

I’d definitely like to have a look at that, Jack, thank you. I’ll be alright, it was just so horrible, what they did to that thing. I hate seeing things in captivity like that, and in pain. It was just…so awful.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard – be afraid, be very afraid!_

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42

 

I’ll bring it over in a few minutes, Tosh. We can also go over those Mainframe updates you were talking about the other day, decide which ones are the highest priorities etc.

 

Ianto, I don’t care if you think you’re fine or not, any injuries or illnesses, however slight, are to be reported to Owen. Each member of this team is too important to me to lose to something preventable.

 

 **(An increasingly irate) Captain Jack Harkness**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42

 

Ianto is fine; some minor rope burns on his wrists, but otherwise he’s unharmed. As a precaution, and at the risk of substandard coffee, Ianto has been reduced to light-duties for the rest of the week. This includes heavy lifting, so any large items that are needed from the archives will have to be carried up by either myself or Jack.

 

Tosh, my computer is going a bit slow again. You fancy having a look over it when you’ve finished playing with that toy Jack’s left you?

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42

 

If you’re that concerned, Jack, you might have thought about it before cancelling last night. Oh, wait, that would imply you let me know rather than stood me up in favour of brooding.

 

Anything that needs fetching from the archives will be strictly under my supervision. No exceptions.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Pissed off coffee god._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42

 

He didn’t, not really? Oh, Jack, how could you?

 

Owen, your computer is running slowly because you overload it with video games and suspect porn. I cleaned two viruses off the system last week, traced back to your terminal. Don’t make me increase the firewall, you won’t like it.

 

The mainframe will be down overnight on Thursday while I run upgrades.

 **Tosh**

 _Annoyed tech wizard – be very, very afraid._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42

 

I didn’t get a chance to “stand you up” because, correct me if I’m wrong, but our plans were to go straight from work to that the cinema to see the new Bond film that YOU wanted to see. Except, you went and left before I even got a chance to grab my coat. Even OWEN was still here when you left.

 

I didn’t check up on you because last time I came over when you were injured you complained for the ENTIRE EVENING that you didn’t want me there. I was also stupid enough to think you had more sense and would have Owen check you over without needing to be escorted like a ten year old!

 

 **(An even more irate) Captain Jack Harkness**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42

 

Tosh, grab your coat. We’re going out for a long lunch. If I don’t see the blood I won’t have to clean it.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42

 

I’m sorry, Owen, when do you _ever_ clean up?

 

I left, Jack, because you were too busy sitting in your office watching Gwen and Rhys on the CCTV. It was quite clear where I come in your list of priorities. Did you even realise that one of those idiots had a gun to my head at one point in the warehouse?

 

I have an appointment with Detective Swanson in 45 minutes, I’ll be back by three.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Extremely pissed off coffee god._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42

 

Be right there, Owen.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Annoyed tech wizard – be very, very afraid._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42

 

No, Ianto, it completely escaped my notice that some bastard was pointing a loaded gun at my boyfriend's face. Do you really think so little of me that because I HAD to send you after him, that I didn't notice that seconds earlier he'd been holding a gun to your face? Or perhaps you think I just didn't care?

 

 **(A disbelieving, and slightly hurt) Captain Jack Harkness**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42

 

When the blood's pouring out of your head or out of Jack's chest I have to clear it up.

 

I was going to ask if Tosh and I can come back yet, but the answer is obviously no. I'll check again in an hour.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God._

 

 _Sent from My BlackBerry from Virgin Mobile._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42

 

Okay, so it’s been several hours – I know Ianto said he was going to a meeting with Detective Swanson, but…should we be worried?

 

Jack, are you seriously telling me that you don’t know why he’s so upset?

 

 **Tosh**

 _Irritated tech wizard – be afraid, be very afraid._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42

 

I've just seen Ianto come in, Tosh, and I'd say we should be worried. He doesn't look happy.

 

I'd watch your coffee for the foreseeable future, Jack.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42

 

 _..._ He's upset because I didn't go over last night and he MISTAKENLY thinks I don't care about him. Isn't he?

 

 **(A now slightly worried) Captain Jack Harkness**

 

 _* * *_

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42

 

I've said it before, Jack, and I'll say it again - You. Are. An. Idiot.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42

 

For once, Owen, I’m forced to agree with you.

 

I’ve liaised with Detective Swanson about the last of the clean-up from yesterday’s fiasco (whose idea was it to burn the warehouse down, remind me?) and several other routine matters. There’s coffee in the pot, and I’ll be in the archives until six-thirty after which, assuming the world hasn’t ended and the weevils haven’t revolted, I’ll be doing my evening rounds and going home.

 

Don’t forget that Gwen is back tomorrow.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Extremely pissed off coffee god._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42

 

Jack, take me out for a drink tonight and I’ll attempt to explain in words of one syllable.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Irritated tech wizard – be afraid, be very afraid._

  
* *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42

 

I still stand by my decision to burn down the building. I didn't want any of that warehouse left standing.

 

Tosh, if I bring you over a new toy to play with will you explain it now? I will, of course, still be delighted to take you out for a drink. ;)

 

 **(A very confused) Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42

 

Later, Jack, some of us actually have work to do.

 

I’ve had a call from Gwen, she’s coming in for a couple of hours. Apparently Rhys is watching a match or something and she’s bored to tears.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard – be afraid, be very afraid._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41

 

…I’m out for less than a day and it feels like world war three around here. What’s happened?

 

 **Gwen**

 _Relieved, actually._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42

 

Update List for One, Gwen Cooper:

 

#1 – Ianto is in a huff.

 

#2 – Jack is in a huff because Ianto is in a huff.

 

#3 – Jack is an idiot because, not only does he not understand why Ianto is in a huff, it’s also his fault Ianto is annoyed.

 

#4 – Ianto is refusing to make anybody coffee, except Tosh, for some reason. The only coffee he is serving is that horrible decaff stuff that I wouldn’t feed to a Weevil.

 

#5 – Tosh and I had a nice lunch at The Red Lion so we could avoid these two squabbling like children over email. A nice lunch which Torchwood is paying for, by the way.

 

#6 – Did I mention that Jack is an idiot and if Ianto does decide to start sticking knifes in him he’ll get no sympathy for me.

 

Have I forgotten anything, Tosh?

 

Also, not that anybody seems to care about anything other than the incredibly tedious soap opera that is The Jack and Ianto Show, but the female squirrel-rat is no longer eating everything in sight. Baby squirrel-rat is also growing nicely, but would whoever keeps sneaking in cat toys for it to play with please cease immediately. It’s far too young to be getting stoned on cat-nip.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42

 

That about covers it, thanks Owen. I’ll just do a bit of paperwork and head home, then.

 

 **Gwen**

 _Relieved, actually._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42

 

He’s making me coffee because I’m polite, Owen. Also because I helped him move some things around in the archives.

 

I didn’t put catnip toys in the cell, Owen, but don’t you think the baby does need stimulation? I thought I might stop by a pet shop before work and bring something in tomorrow.

 

Speaking of, as it’s nearing seven and Ianto’s already gone, I’m heading off.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard – be afraid, be very afraid._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42

 

No cat-nip and nothing that makes an annoying sound, other than that, if you want to waste your wages on squirrel-rat toys, Tosh, go for it.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42

 

I’ll see you out, Tosh. I do believe I owe you a drink before I go see Ianto and see if I can’t get him talking to me again without resorting to grovelling ;)

 

 **(A cautiously optimistic) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42

 

So, do we think Jack and Ianto have made up? I’m not gossiping, so you can wipe that smirk off your face, Gwen Cooper, but I’d rather not take a sip of my coffee until I know it’s not cold, decaff and/or poisoned. Ianto didn’t look anywhere near as murderous today, but I’d still rather be sure before I attempt the coffee.

 

...Jack appears to be drinking his without grimacing today. Good sign?

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42

 

Whilst I’m clearly thrilled that you all feel discussing my mood is the most important thing you could be doing with your time, there has been a weevil alert in Bute Park. In daylight, so it’s probably at least a little rabid.

 

Jack? Weevil hunt?

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god. Bow before me._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42

 

Did I say anything, Owen?

 

Jack – STOP USING THOSE BLOODY SMILEY FACES!!!!!

 

 **Gwen**

 _Relieved, actually._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42

 

Something’s come through the Rift in Bute Park, actually, you can pick that up at the same time, if you don’t mind. Saves us all going, really. Small and inanimate, from what I can see. Small enough for a standard containment box.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard – be afraid, be very afraid!_

 

* * *

 

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42

 

Don’t worry, Tosh, Ianto and I will handle it. There’s no better start to the day than a Weevil-Chase/Treasure Hunt in a Cardiff rain-storm. ;)

 

 **(A predatory) Captain Jack Harkness.**


	5. Newsletter no. 43

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Newsletter no. 43

 

News

 

Well…actually, there isn’t really much news. The news is that we’ve all lost two days’ memory. Gwen tells me that Rhys has filled in a few details, such as the fact that she apparently forgot who he was for a while. All logs and CCTV within the base have been wiped for the 48-hour period, and there is limited CCTV deletion in the vicinity of the Plass and the tourist office.

 

No Rift alerts remain on file, and there is nothing new either in the archives or the vaults. Five doses of Retcon were logged out of the stores by Jack, and he recommends that none of us try to remember anything from the past two days.

 

No weevil activity to report, although of course there’s no knowing what happened during those two days.

 

Personnel issues

 

Owen seems to have sent Tosh flowers during the missing two days. He denies this, stupidly.

 

Inmates

Two weevils (Janet and Marlene).

Fish tank.

Squirrel rats (10 – one infant).

Five humans (Jack, Ianto, Gwen, Tosh & Owen).

Pteranodon (Myfanwy).

 

Miscellaneous

 

Gwen asks that everyone (particularly Jack) please stop using smiley faces or other emoticons in emails, because it drives her crazy and makes her liable to throw things.

 

I’m going to get lunch at that bakery across town, since I’ve got to go over there to check up on the storage lockers anyway. If anyone wants anything other than the usual, please let me know.

 

And no, Jack, you can’t come with me, you have paperwork to do and a phone call with the PM this afternoon.

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43

 

Anything with chocolate. Seriously. Those double chocolate chip muffins they do? Get me two, please. Oh, and some chocolate cookies, please. The ones with the smarties on top?

 

 **Tosh**

 _Hormonal tech wizard, get the hell out of my way._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43

 

Just had another phone-call from the PM’s office; he’s pushed back our meeting until 8. If he tries to fob me off with another junior secretary again I’m thinking a Torchwood Road-Trip may be in order.

 

Ianto, eat-in tonight or eat-out late? I’d tell him where to shove his 8PM meeting, but I’m still waiting to hear why they thought we wouldn’t notice MI5 trying to hack into our systems. These people obviously haven’t met Toshiko.

 

Did you have a nice time in Paris, Gwen? I don’t remember if I asked you or not. :P

 

 **(An irritated) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43

 

I told you, I don’t do flowers. Somebody has set me up. Jack, I’m looking at you. However, just because I don’t do flowers does not mean that I’m not a gentlemen. Therefore, Tosh, I have valiantly left you the last Mars Bar. I’ve put it in my desk so Gwen can’t nick it. I’ll bring it over in a second.

 

Just been to check on the baby squirrel-rat and it’s looking a bit edgy. I’m debating taking it for a walk on the plass; if anybody asks I’ll just tell them it’s a really ugly Chihuahua.

 

One bacon sarnie please, Ianto, with lashings of brown sauce. Ta.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43

 

I had a lovely time in Paris, Jack, thank you. Do you want arsenic with your coffee at 11 or would you prefer rat poison? You’ll get them both if you don’t STOP USING SMILEY BLOODY FACES.

 

I wouldn’t nick the chocolate, Owen. If there’s one thing women understand it’s when not to stand between a friend and her chocolate. Tosh, I have a big bag of minstrels in my locker, I’ll get them for you once I’ve finished these reports if you want.

 

Also I thought we were all still avoiding red meat? I’ll have a chicken salad, thanks Ianto. And a packet of crisps if they have any. Anything but cheese and onion, can’t stand even the smell of them.

 

 **Gwen**

 _Confused. So what’s new?_

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43

 

Actually, I don’t care who sent me flowers. It was a lovely gesture from whoever it was. And thank you, Owen, the Mars Bar is appreciated.

 

Yes, Gwen, I’d love the Minstrels if you don’t mind. Shall we have a break at 11 and share them? Ianto’s promised me a mocha before he heads off to check the various storage lockers. Jack, you can join us if you don’t mind that it’ll be girl talk. Owen, I’m not going to invite you, and I’m sure you don’t mind.

 

Oh, and Jack, don’t be too annoyed about MI5. I do like having fun with them. It’s entertaining. Not as entertaining as when UNIT or the MoD try it, of course, but that’s just me.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Hormonal tech wizard, get the hell out of my way._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43

 

Mochas and coffees are on your desks. I’m going out now, so call me with any final lunch orders. Yes, Jack, I will get a salad for myself. And one for you, because if I have to eat one, so do you.

 

Also – eat out late, if you don’t mind. Family thing at half five, I’ll be busy until seven.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god. Bow before me._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43

 

...I thought it was safe to eat it again. Ianto, I’ve changed my mind. Gwen’s put me off bacon, regardless of whether it’s safe to eat it again. I’ll have one of those tomato pasta salad things, please.

 

Ta, Tosh, I’ll be sure to avoid your girly gossip session. I’ll go autopsy something at eleven until Ianto comes back with the food.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43

 

If they try to mess me around again, Tosh, I’m going to give you an hour to do anything you want to their systems, just nothing that’s going to bring the country to a stand-still.

 

Ianto, table is booked for 9.30 at Valentino’s. If I’m still stuck on the phone come 9.15 I’ll invent a Weevil alert. Anybody fancy being on-call until 11? Like you, Owen? Double time?

 

 **(A hopeful) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43

 

I told you to call me, Owen, so there’s no point yelling when I return with your original order. You’ve disturbed Myfanwy, it’s going to take me hours to calm her down now, and I’ve got to be out of here by five.

 

Jack, don’t you _dare_ offer Owen double-time to do something that you and I usually do for normal pay. I will kill you. And eat chocolate dessert in front of you tonight and then go home ALONE. And if you don’t polish your dress shoes I’ll do that anyway, because they’re filthy.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god. Bow before me._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43

 

You could just pretend they’ve messed you around, couldn’t you, Jack?

 

Ianto, you’re definitely a god and I worship you. This muffin is delicious. And so chocolatey! I really wish that bakery was closer, or that the storage lockers needed checking more often.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Hormonal tech wizard, get the hell out of my way._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43

 

Thanks, Ianto. Do you want me to do the evening food rounds so you can get out a bit quicker?

 

 **Gwen**

 _Confused. So what’s new?_

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43

 

Just a suggestion, given that we’ve yet to have a single meal that’s not been interrupted by weevils, stoned blowfish or Rift alerts. I just thought a nice UNINTERUPTED evening would be nice for once. If I have to pay Owen to make sure we get it then it’s a price I’m more than happy to pay.

 

I’ll polish my dress shoes, but you have to wear that red shirt I like so much. Deal or No Deal?

 

Gwen, why don’t you get Owen to help you with the evening rounds, assuming Ianto approves? He’s going out to walk the squirrel-rat anyway.

 

Tell you what, Tosh, seeing as how I know Archie is still a little annoyed about the MoD trying to break-in last month, why don’t you spend an hour or two playing with their systems? Nothing life threatening, other than that, have fun!

 

 **(A hopeful) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

 *** * ***

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43

 

You are far too attached to that pterodactyl, you should remember it’s only an over-grown bird.

 

I’m off to walk the squirrel-rat. And no, I’m not going shopping because I’m not leaving this thing outside alone and I suspect trying to juggle pizza and control a hyperactive squirrel-rat would be too much even for somebody as brilliant as me.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe, Sex-God and Keeper of the Squirrel-Rats._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43

 

It’s not the thought I disapprove of, it’s your method of carrying it out, Jack. If he gets double-time to cover for our date, why don’t others get double-time to cover in the evenings when Gwen’s on a date, or Tosh? And yet it’s never been suggested.

 

Thanks, Gwen, I appreciate that. You know where all the meat is in the big fridge? It’s all labelled for inmate. Don’t let Myfanwy out tonight, it’s going to be clear skies and she really needs cloud cover. The fish don’t need feeding tonight, I only do them every other day.

 

Jack – deal.

 

As it’s now 4pm, does anyone want one last coffee before I pack up?

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god. Bow before me._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43

 

I’d love another mocha if you’ve got time, Ianto.

 

Jack, when you say nothing life threatening, what are your exact parameters?

 

 **Tosh**

 _Hormonal tech wizard, get the hell out of my way._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43

 

Got it, thanks Ianto. And I’d love a coffee, thanks!

 

 **Gwen**

 _Confused. So what’s new?_

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43

 

...Why hasn’t this been suggested before? I know I’ve thought about it, guess I just forgot to get around to doing something about it. Contract renewals are due next month, yeah? I’ll be sure to add in a bit about over-time bonuses when covering for other people.

 

Has anybody ever said no to a cup of your coffee, Ianto? Oh, are you coming back here or am I meeting you at the restaurant?

 

Life-threatening, Tosh, basically means that if the system goes down then a member of staff or the public could end up in a dangerous situation. If in doubt, I’d say don’t do it. :P

 

 **(A peaceful and content) Captain Jack Harkness**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43

 

I am NEVER walking that bloody thing again. If anybody needs me I’ll be in my autopsy bay picking gravel out of my elbow.

 

Yes to the coffee and a Kit-Kat if we’ve got any left.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe, Sex-God and Head of the Anti-Squirrel-Rat Association._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43

 

Coffees are on your desks. We’re out of Kit-Kats, Owen, but I found a Mars Bar.

 

I am now LEAVING. Try not to kill yourselves before morning.

 

Whichever, Jack. Text me with a decision.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god. Bow before me._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43

 

When did it turn into 9pm? I’m heading home. Jack, get off the phone.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard, calming down._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43

 

I’m done now, Tosh. Sorry if I gave you a fright, I saw you jump a couple of times, but loud threats appear to be the only form of communication politicians understand. If you pass Ianto on your way in will you send him up to my office?

 

Enjoy your evening, Tosh :)

 

 **(A now eager and anticipatory) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43

 

Just to let everyone know, I’ll be up in the tourist office most of the day. I’ll come down at 11 and 3 for coffee rounds, and for lunch, obviously. I’ve got paperwork I can do up there, and I really do like to keep up appearances as much as possible.

 

Also apparently Jack’s expecting a guest later. Don’t ask me, I don’t know.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Very satisfied coffee god. Very._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43

 

Owen, here are the files you wanted about those unexplained deaths you’ve been investigating. Full history and records: medical, academic and work. Nothing to link them as far as I can see – must be something on the medical or death side of things.

 

Jack, you’ve been around a while (and Ianto has told me not to ask him). I need a bloke’s opinion of my wedding dress. If you get ten minutes spare?

 

 **Gwen**

 _Excited, excited, excited!_

 

* * *

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43

 

If this guest is another surprise UNIT inspection I’m going home. The last one was a disaster and I still don’t understand why we weren’t allowed to feed the arse-hole to the weevils.

 

Ta, Gwen. I’ll have a look through them after I’ve been to check on the baby squirrel-rat.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43

 

I’d be delighted, Gwen. Just let me know where and when.

 

Don’t worry, Owen, I’m fairly certain we’re not going to get any more inspections after that last one. I think he got the point after we _accidentally_ locked him in that cell next to Janet.

 

Thanks for ringing the Hilton for me, Ianto. I can’t imagine why they like you more than me. I mean, okay, last time we stopped could have gone better, but I would have chalked that up to a small misunderstanding more than anything

 

 **(An excited) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43

 

If it’s a UNIT inspection I’m leaving.

 

(Not permanently, just until UNIT are out of Cardiff).

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard, worried._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43

 

Apparently there’s some sort of wild dog trying to eat seagulls, about five miles along the coast. I’ve attached a picture – doesn’t look like a dog to me. Think it’s something for us?

 

 **Gwen**

 _Excited, excited, excited!_

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 43

 

Looks like a large Labrador to me, Gwen, but take Owen with you and go check it out.

 

Tosh, can I see you in my office? I need to talk to you about the next few days, make sure my VIP can get access to the Hub, amongst other things.

 

 **(A still excited) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 


	6. Newsletter no. 44

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Newsletter no. 44

 

News

 

It has been an eventful and difficult week. Owen was killed in the line of duty, saving the lives of his team-mates. He was then revived into a state of living death by Captain Harkness, possessed by Death, and finally fought Death and won.

 

Owen has returned to active duty but is no longer allowed on indiscriminate field missions, due to his unfortunate lack of healing ability. Also he will no longer be requiring food or drink.

 

In other news, Dr Martha Jones has expressed both regret and satisfaction over her time here in Cardiff, and promises to visit again soon.

 

The clean-up from the Pharm continues, and Gwen is assisting me in liaising with local authorities and companies to clear the site. As it’s been confiscated, I suggest selling it to the city council for development. It would fund the ample bonus I’m sure Jack agrees is coming to us all at the end of the year.

 

Also, three sheep and a cow have been reported mauled this week. I’m afraid in all the confusion Myfanwy slipped a little in her training.

 

Personnel issues

 

As noted above, Owen is deceased but still walking and talking. He is still on the payroll but due to his physical health may not be entitled to the full hazard pay that he has been receiving (Owen and Jack need to liaise on this as soon as possible, please).

 

Jack has asked me to express formally here his gratitude and pride for the entire team for performing ‘with more than usual excellence’ (direct quote) during this mission.

 

Inmates

Two weevils (Janet and Marlene).

Fish tank.

Squirrel rats (10 – one infant, but growing rapidly).

Four humans (Jack, Ianto, Gwen & Tosh).

One King of the Weevils, or the walking dead (Owen).

Pteranodon (Myfanwy).

 

Miscellaneous

 

As Owen is now king of the weevils, apparently, he has volunteered to take over feeding our resident weevils. I’m not sure why, but anything that makes my job easier is fine by me.

 

Jack asks that whoever stole his red braces owns up. In return, I ask that whoever stole my second-favourite red tie owns up. I’ll also point out that red is NOT his colour.

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

Hold on a minute, Ianto. Are you seriously telling me that because I died I have to take a PAY CUT!

 

I am not, I repeat NOT, taking a pay-cut because that stupid bastard brought me back. I can’t eat, drink or shag and you expect me to take a pay cut for this privilege. I THINK NOT, IANTO.

 

Also, to which of you bastards that left that copy of Frankenstein on my desk, I hope you choke on your coffee and die a painful, horrible death. Then I will find another one of those bastard gloves and bring you back, just so I can see your face when I start cutting you open with a blunt scalpel.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

 _Technically,_ Owen, you no longer qualify for Full Hazard Pay. HOWEVER, I’m sure we can arrange something so you’re on the same wage. When you’re finished hacking at that dead weevil, come up to my office and we’ll sort something out.

 

Martha rang before to say she arrived in London okay. She asked me to pass on her best wishes and next time any of us are in London she says we have to call in.

 

 **(A decaffeinated) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 _Hint. Hint._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

It’s up to Jack, Owen, not me. I don’t sign the payslips. Also, yelling at me won’t help anything.

 

Coffee will be at three, Jack, and not before, since you had some just half an hour ago. If you want any before that, go and buy some. Do NOT touch my coffee machine.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god in mourning. No, really._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

I vote we forget about Owen and focus on the important part of the newsletter.

  
What are Jack and Ianto using ties and braces for? I want details, please!!!

 

Also – wedding in three weeks, people! I am absolutely bloody terrified.

 

 **Gwen**

 _Absolutely bloody terrified!!!!_

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

It was Jack, Owen. I saw him doing it, but you got to your desk before I could get rid of it.

 

Gwen – I have CCTV. I’ll burn you a disc later. I’ve got a whole load of information from UNIT to go over first, Jack wants to know what they’ve left out of the files they sent over to us.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Sad tech wizard._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

Toshiko Sato, don’t you dare!

 

JACK HARKNESS!!! You told me you deleted it all!!!!

 

 **Ianto**

 _VERY PISSED OFF coffee god. Still mourning._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

I did delete it all! You watched me delete it!

 

....Uh oh. I, erm, may have a DVD in my laptop, which I gave to Tosh last week to test some upgrades on. I thought I’d taken it out. Sorry! I’ll make it up to you. Tosh, I am coming over now and you are going to delete ALL of the footage from your hard-disk, your laptop, your DVD’s and any other copies you have.

 

Owen, the book was a joke, and also petty revenge for all the times you’ve joked about using me as a test-subject for your new, potentially lethal, medications. Feel free to throw it into the incinerator.

 

Deep, calming breaths, Gwen. Your wedding will be fine, I promise. You’ll look gorgeous in your dress, Rhys will look fetching in his suit and Ianto and I will make good use of one of the guest-rooms...assuming he’s forgiven me by then.

 

 **(An incredibly apologetic) Captain Jack Harkness (who is not afraid to grovel).**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

I am so pleased to see that you’ve all got your priorities sorted. I’m dead, that bloody pterodactyl is going mental again and the baby squirrel-rat still thinks it’s Linford Christie. But, of course, none of these things are as important as Jack and Ianto’s sex-life.

 

I’m going to go burn that book and then I’m going to go dissect something. You know where to find me in the unlikely event you lot come to your senses and manage to get your priorities right.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

Calm down, you two, I wasn’t really going to keep the footage.

 

Jack, there are some _major_ discrepancies between the information UNIT sent over, and what I can actually find on their system. Give me another hour to finish collating it, and I’ll send you details. There’s a few things I think you’ll find very interesting – such as the fact that they seem to have got their hands on a gun like those we have in the armoury that you tell us not to touch.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Sad tech wizard._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

Thank you, Tosh. I think.

 

Jack, grovelling is definitely in order. In fact, Rift allowing, you can cook me dinner tonight. Cook, not order take-away.

 

I’ll go up to Myfanwy in a minute. I think she’s bored, I’ve not been letting her out in this rain, and I know she can smell a difference in Owen, which isn’t helping her.

 

That wasn’t a dig, Owen, it’s a fact.

 

Also, whoever has the company credit card MUST return it to me as soon as possible. If a statement comes through with anything out of the ordinary, I will be _very_ angry.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Still very pissed off, still mourning, still a coffee god._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

Tosh, let me know as soon as you’re done with that report. Make it your top-priority, assuming you’ve not already.

 

Any requests, Ianto, or shall I get creative? Do I have to hand-make dessert or would you like to go grab some of that chocolate cake you like from the bakers next to Starbucks? However, if these UNIT discrepancies are as bad as Tosh thinks they are I can’t guarantee what time I’ll be done. If they’ve got Judoon weapons that I don’t know about I won’t be happy. If they’ve got weapons in Cardiff then I’m going over there and I’m not leaving until I get some answers.

 

I promise, though, that the first chance I get I will cook you the best meal you’ve ever eaten, but I assume you’ll still take care of the coffee afterwards?

 

 **(A grovelling) Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

…you can buy cake, Jack, but if you’re going to the local UNIT base, can I come?

 

Gwen, please stop pacing, it’s very distracting.

 

Still waiting on the credit card, by the way. I’m getting rather annoyed. Unless it’s Owen – you said something about a new x-ray machine, didn’t you?

 

 **Ianto**

 _Still very pissed off, still mourning, still a coffee god._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

I’m not pacing, I’m walking around and ranting on the phone. There’s a complete difference. It’s quiet, nobody cares if I need to call the florist and the caterer.

 

And oh my god I will kill Rhys’ best man. Banana Boat’s only gone and got himself stuck in bloody Majorca for flogging bootleg cds!!!

 

God this is going to be a disaster.

 

 **Gwen**

 _Panicking now._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

First things first, Gwen, BREATHE! It’ll be fine. Come see me during the next coffee break and, if necessary, I know a few people who owe me a favour. We’ll get him back here in plenty of time for your wedding.

 

I was going to ask you to come anyway, Ianto. Don’t you think I look more intimidating when I’ve got a very handsome PA with me? (Yes, I know you’re not my PA, and that you are, in fact, much more than a PA.)

 

 **(A still grovelling) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

Jack, must you grovel over email? It’s making me nauseous; if I could throw up properly I would.

 

Ianto, I’ve got the credit-card. I bought the new x-ray machine, which is due next week. I’ll be on hand to retcon the delivery bloke. I also bought the squirrel-rat a plastic-ball to run around his cell in.

 

I’m going back downstairs to autopsy another Weevil. Somebody come get me when it’s safe to read my emails again.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

The UNIT report is on your desk, Jack. You were – are, from what I can see – busy with Ianto at the coffee machine.

 

Gwen, what’s the problem with the florist? I thought you picked out your arrangements two months ago?

 

 **Tosh**

 _Sad tech wizard._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

Oh, Jack, could you? The embassy seems to be doing bloody nothing.

 

The florist has called and told me they can’t do that arrangement, Tosh, since their supplier has gone bust. So I am screwed. Very, very screwed. I have to choose from the arrangements they assure me they can get and I have to make sure the flowers match the dress and change the roses and it’s all a nightmare!

 

 **Gwen**

 _Panicking now._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

I’ve got the report, Tosh. Anybody who needs anything out of the archives please ask Ianto for them NOW as we’re off to pay UNIT a surprise visit. We’re leaving in the next 30 minutes.

 

Gwen, I’m on my way over to your desk now with some numbers. The first is for a really good florist in Swansea. I’ve already rang her telling her to expect your call. She’ll be able to sort out your flower crisis. Just don’t stare at her tail when you go over. The second is for a guy I know at the embassy. Just tell him my name and he should help. If not, just remind him that I’ve got a long memory and “what happens in Rio, doesn’t necessarily stay in Rio”.

 

Ianto and I will both have our mobiles, but try and only call us in an emergency.

 

 **(An almost-but-not-quite disbelieving) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

Jack. A word. Now.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Pissed off coffee god, still mourning._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

Jack, I bloody love you! Can I have tomorrow morning off?

 

 **Gwen**

 _Panicking now._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

Jack, pay attention to the part where they have _Dalek weaponry_. Please.

 

Have fun playing good cop/bad cop – and Ianto, try to make sure someone gets beaten up? Or humiliated, at least?

 

 **Tosh**

 _Sad tech wizard._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

Yep, I noticed that bit, Tosh. I also spotted the bit about the Sycorax swords they’ve been using. I promise humiliation, Tosh. I’m going to stand and watch them all dismantle every last bit of weaponry. Once I’ve finished yelling, of course ;)

 

Sorry, Gwen, I can’t give you the morning off. UNIT are going to be annoyed and I want everybody in just in case they do something stupid. You can, however, leave early tomorrow if it’s quiet. No promises, though.

 

I’m in my office, Ianto. You want to talk now or in the car?

 

 **(A very annoyed) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

What the hell has Jack done this time? I just walked past Ianto and the way he was glaring at Jack’s cup I half-expected him to throw it at the wall again.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

...Again?

 

 **(A confused) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

 *** * ***

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

....I know nothing.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe who is NOT hiding in his autopsy bay until Jack and Ianto leave._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

Two words, Jack. Banana Boat. Also a phrase you should be familiar with: inappropriate use of Torchwood authority.

 

Your old mug was accidentally thrown into a wall while you were…away.

 

The car should be fine, although I can’t guarantee I’ll be able to be good cop this time, the mood I’m now in. You’re good at the good cop bit anyway.

 

Too good.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Pissed off coffee god._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

Fair enough then. Thanks Jack.

 

Owen, there’s something moving in your greenhouse. I’m scared to go up there after that pollen last time – and you’re dead, it can’t harm you, right?

 

 **Gwen**

 _Slightly less panicked now, thanks._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

Damn it! That bloody baby squirrel rat has managed to get out of its cell. It ran past me when I opened the door. I didn’t see where it went, but it looked like it was heading towards the work-stations. Can you find it on the CCTV for me, Tosh?

 

No sudden movements or loud noises until I find it. That means I want all phones on silent and anything making a noise that isn’t important turned off. Last time that thing got spooked it took a huge chunk out of my finger.

 

I’m going to go get some jelly babies and try and lay a trap for it; it seems to like those.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper.**

 _Saviour of the Universe and Squirrel Rat Catcher._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

Right, I would like to make it perfectly clear to you all that I am NOT showing favouritism towards Gwen, by using Torchwood authority to get Banana Boat back into the country. If it was Ianto’s sister or brother-in-law, or Tosh’s family, or Owen’s...I don’t know, identical twin brother or whatever, I would do EXACTLY THE SAME.

 

Owen, I want that thing found and back in its cell by the time I get back.

 

Ianto, SUV. NOW!

 

 **(A still infuriated, but also now hurt and slightly disappointed) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

Oh for crying out loud, Jack, it’s not about favouritism, I’d be just as cross if you did this for Rhiannon. It’s about abusing Torchwood authority. Do you have any idea how many calls I get from Whitehall about that?

 

Yes, I’m coming.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Pissed off coffee god._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

Internal sensors say it’s somewhere in the archives, Owen. Try not to make a mess?

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard, mildly amused._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

Bloody typical, it WOULD go in the archives. I’ll go in after it, seeing as how I’m already dead it’s not as if Ianto can put me on decaff or kill me again. Keep me updated please, Tosh.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe and Squirrel Rat Catcher._

 

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

If the squirrel’s in the archives then WHAT IS IN THE GREENHOUSE??!?!?

 

 **Gwen**

 _Worried now._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

I don’t know…hang on, let me check the sensors. It can’t be anything bad or the alarms would have gone off. Maybe that Venusian fly-trap has got loose again?

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard, mildly amused._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

It has as well. Dammit. I’ll get the fire extinguisher. Good thing Owen’s in the archives, he didn’t want us making any noise, did he?

 

 **Gwen**

 _Worried now._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

So. Um. Ianto. When you get back. That mess? So not our fault.

 

 **Gwen**

 _Worried now._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

GOT THE BASTARD! Found it hiding behind that weird box Jack found after we lost those two days.

 

....WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY GREENHOUSE?!!!!

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper.**

 _Saviour of the Universe, Squirrel Rat Catcher and On The War-Path._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

Meeting with UNIT is over and I'm going back in a couple of days to check that they have dismantled everything. Ianto and I are now heading back to his flat to work off the lingering frustrated feelings we both have from dealing with these incompetent imbeciles all afternoon.

 

If the squirrel rat is back in its cell and you've fixed Owen's greenhouse you lot can go home too.

 

Ianto politely requests that a) somebody feeds Myfanwy and b) that you restore the Hub to the pristine condition that we left it in or he will not be held responsible for his actions. He also suggests that Owen “doesn’t bother coming back if there’s any damage to the archives as he’ll break every other finger in Owen’s body”.

 

His words, not mine.

 

Oh, and Tosh, will you quickly make sure that any Rift alerts tonight get diverted to my phone? I think I turned the divert on before I left, but will you check for me?

 

 **(A mildly happier) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

 _Sent from My BlackBerry from Virgin Mobile_

 

 *** * ***

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

So I think we’re all agreed – Ianto will never find out how bad this place was. Yes?

 

And I’ve brought his favourite pastries in this morning. Sorry Owen, but it’s really one of the best ways to placate him.

 

Oh Ianto, Tosh got you some of those chocolate covered coffee beans you pretend you don’t scoff.

 

Also – two and a half weeks to go and Rhys’s suit still isn’t finished. Ianto, you know about suits right? Did I mention the pastries?

 

 **Gwen**

 _Back to panicking._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

…I would if I could, Gwen, but I’ve got a lot on my plate at the moment between Torchwood and some family issues.

 

Unfortunately for all three of you, nobody deleted the CCTV of yesterday evening’s fiasco. But I will admit you’ve done a decent job of cleaning it up.

 

Owen, give me a shopping list for the greenhouse and I’ll swing by the garden centre later when I do a supply run.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Deeply satisfied coffee god. Oh yes._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

Ta, Ianto. Shopping list is on your desk. Most of the plants seemed to be relatively unscathed after their foam bath, a few even seem to be thriving. May have to experiment with that.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

Unfortunately I’m going to be on the phone to the PM and then UNIT all afternoon – they’re still not happy about yesterday – so if you guys need me to look at anything can you let me know before lunch?

 

Ianto, what time you heading off tonight? I’m finished with that Dogon transmitter. Will you have time to store it before you go or do you just want me to put it in the secure archives over-night and sort it out tomorrow?

 

(Also, you are going to share those coffee-beans, right? Please?)

 

 **(A content) Captain Jack Harkness**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

Final orders for shopping – I’ll be going to the supermarket and the garden centre, leaving in ten minutes.

 

I thought I’d leave at seven, Jack, so I’ll archive that when I’m back from the shopping run. Are you coming over tonight?

 

And no. The coffee beans are mine.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Deeply satisfied coffee god. Oh yes._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

Flowers are sorted! Thanks Jack, she’s a lovely…lady. Now I’ve got to finalise the catering – I keep getting family members changing their minds about how many people are coming, it’s bloody rubbish.

 

Can I get some post-its Ianto? And some of those party ring biscuits?

 

 **Gwen**

 _Back to panicking._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

Can you grab me some more jelly babies, Ianto? I’m going to see if I can train that baby squirrel rat to use a computer. Nothing major, but seeing as how your guard pterodactyl is about as useful as decaffeinated coffee I figured I might be able to train it to set off some alarms if anything happens in the cells. Ta.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper.**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

Ianto, I believe I still owe you a home-cooked meal. How about tonight after you’ve done your family stuff?

 

Don’t think I want anything from the super-market, but can I get a coffee before you go? Surely you’re not going to make me talk to the PM without decent coffee?

 

Glad your flowers are all sorted, Gwen. I told you she was good!

 

Tosh, can you monitor the UNIT databases for me? I want an update by the end of the day on what they say they’ve got rid of and what’s still on their systems.

 

 **(A still content) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

Already doing it, Jack.

 

Ianto, can I have a coffee too before you go?

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard, happily pissing off UNIT._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

If you’ve got time, Ianto, I’ll come with you – there’s been rift activity near the supermarket, we could take a look while we’re there. SUV’s prepped, right? Tosh says it’s something inanimate, CCTV shows some sort of box.

 

 **Gwen**

 _Back to panicking._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 44

 

Loathe though I am to say it, the box is more important than replenishing the coffee. Gwen, Ianto, you two go check it out; call Tosh or Owen if you need back-up. They can come and drag me (willingly) away from the PM if it’s urgent. Just be careful.

 

Thanks, Tosh. Have I mentioned that you are fabulous? :P

 

 **Captain Jack Harkness (who is readying himself for a war of words with incompetent politicians).**


	7. Newsletter no. 45

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Newsletter no. 45

 

News

 

A reasonably uneventful week, UNIT’s misinformation notwithstanding.

 

One Rift item this week, collected by Gwen and I yesterday afternoon. Tosh is examining it. Two weevils – neither one rabid, just confused by the torrential rain, I think.

 

Cardiff PD has asked us to please pay more attention to no-parking zones. I think this request was particularly aimed at Jack.

 

Personnel issues

 

Gwen’s wedding is going to be _fine_ , regardless of what she thinks in her current panicky state.

 

It should be noted by all team members that leaving the SUV with an empty petrol tank is unacceptable, and means I have less time to fulfil the other aspects of my job. I would also like to remind everyone that I am filling TWO positions at the moment and as such I will not be taking on any extra work for the foreseeable future.

 

Inmates

Two weevils (Janet and Marlene).

Fish tank.

Squirrel rats (10 – the infant seems to have reached maturity).

Four humans (Jack, Ianto, Gwen & Tosh).

One King of the Weevils, or the walking dead (Owen).

Pteranodon (Myfanwy).

 

Miscellaneous

 

Thank you to whoever left a mugful of skittles for me.

 

Tosh asks that everyone please stay off the internal comms for two hours this morning as she is running diagnostics.

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

Which do you reckon is more important, catching a dangerous suspect that’s running through a park, one where there are no legal parking spaces nearby, or finding a parking space and _then_ trying to locate the suspect? I asked Detective Swanson this a while back after she saw me heaving a sedated weevil into the SUV boot. I’m still waiting for an answer.

 

I think I was the last person who had the SUV, Ianto, unless somebody else has been out in it since my 3AM weevil hunt? Sorry I woke you up, couldn’t find my phone to turn the beeping off. Consider the skittles as an apology? (Seeing as how the girls keep giving you pastries and coffee-beans I thought I’d give you something different.)

 

I’ll take it out now and fill it back up. Anybody want anything while I’m out?

 

 **(An apologetic) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

 *** * ***

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

Why is that every time I check my inbox I find Jack is once again flirting and/or grovelling with Ianto? Seriously, Jack, do us all a favour and talk to him face-to-face, yeah?

 

Oh, and can you grab me a couple of newspapers? Tosh has been showing me how to play Sudoku and I prefer the paper versions to the online ones. And can you make sure at least one of them is The Telegraph? Apparently Tosh prefers their cross-word to the others.

 

Ta.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

Jack, I was merely passing the message along. It wasn’t in any respect indicative of my opinion on the matter.

 

And you already apologised for last night. Twice.

 

If you’re going to the supermarket, someone ate the last of the pink wafers, and you’ve used up all my toothpaste.

 

Tosh, any joy with that artefact?

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god, busy busy busy._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

It’s interesting, Ianto, it’s emitting something like a homing frequency, but I can’t get into it – I think it’s something like a jewellery or keepsake box, it’s hollow and there are objects inside it, but I think it might be a DNA or fingerprint activated locking mechanism.

 

Jack – your driving is insanely hazardous, and I really think you should try to remember that the rest of us? When we die? Stay dead. Please.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard, working._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

Hey! Why is it always my driving people pick on? Owen’s driving skills haven’t improved since he died, if anything they’ve got worse and they weren’t fantastic to begin with! And I’m sure we all remember what happened the last time Gwen attempted to use the SUV.

 

Tosh, I’m sure there’s a DNA modulator in the archives somewhere. Ask Ianto and he’ll know either where it is or what it is I’m mistaking it for.

 

Pink wafers, The Telegraph plus other newspapers and toothpaste, got it. Aquafresh, right?

 

Anything else anybody wants? Oh, and since I’m going out, I’ll pick up lunch. You’ve got 30 minutes to get your orders in or you’ll eat what you’re given.

 

 **(A busy) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

 *** * ***

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

Gwen, Rhys is up here in the tourist office wanting to speak to you. Something about his parents?

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god, busy busy busy._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

Thanks Ianto, tell him I’ll be up in a minute.

 

Jack, what about Chinese for lunch?

 

 **Gwen**

 _Not thinking about it. Really._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

Chinese it is, then, unless anybody has any objections. Ring me if anybody thinks of anything else they want.

 

Gwen, I’ll walk up with you. I’ll give my love to Rhys myself ;)

 

 **(A still busy) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

Ianto, can you find me that DNA modulator Jack was talking about, when you have a minute?

 

Owen, I’m going to cut power to autopsy if you don’t turn off that awful music.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard, working._

 

 _* * *_

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

Err, Tosh, I think we’ve got bigger problems than my taste in music. I know you’re busy with your new toy and everything, but will you do me a favour and take a quick look at the Tourist Information CCTV.

 

Is it just me or do Gwen and Ianto appear to be talking to several rhinos? Rhinos with guns? Normally I'd say Ianto's put something in my coffee, but seeing as how I can't drink it...

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

…call Jack RIGHT NOW. They’re Judoon and that was a transmat. They’ve gone. I’ve started trying to trace it back to a point of origin – not that it’ll do much good, we don’t have any technology that would get us to their ship!

 

 **Tosh**

 _Very very worried._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

Jack’s on his way and he sounds PISSED! I mean really, really pissed. God help anybody who gets in the way of the SUV. He’s given me a list of stuff to go look for in the archives. I’m heading down there now, I’ll bring them over to you as you’re more likely to be able to figure them out than me.

 

Jack’s ETA 7 minutes and dropping.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

It’s been three hours. You’d think we’d have heard something by now. Jack says Judoon usually leave an order or warrant or something, but…

 

They’ll be fine, won’t they?

 

 **Tosh**

 _Scared tech wizard_.

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

Tosh, I promise I will not rest until I get them both back safe and sound. Just keep tracking that ship and keep monitoring for any incoming messages. They usually leave a written warrant, but keep an eye out.

 

I'm going to have another look around the office and if I don't find anything I'll go outside and help Owen.

 

Just keep going, Tosh, we'll get them back. I promise.

 

 **(A FURIOUS) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

So far I've found three empty cans of Dr Pepper, a scroll and what looks like a T-Mobile sim card. Bringing down the scroll and the sim card, just in case.

 

Thought I'd better let Tosh scan the scroll before we open it, after the exploding Christmas cards incident.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

 _Sent from My BlackBerry from Virgin Mobile_

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

The scroll is rubbish. The sim card is an arrest warrant. Apparently Gwen and Ianto stole something of great value from the…something empire. It doesn’t want to translate, so it’s almost certainly a name of some sort, but it’s all in symbols so I can’t even sound it out. Jack, come and see if you know anything about it.

 

It says they’re going to be held for trial within the solar system – I think in orbit around the Moon?

 

 **Tosh**

 _Scared tech wizard._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

Already on my way, Tosh. Just had another look around the Tourist Information Centre and it doesn't look like they've taken anything other than Gwen and Ianto.

 

Owen, start looking through the archive database for anything that will get me onto that ship. And before either of you say it, YOU'RE NOT COMING WITH ME!

 

I need you both here incase anything happens and incase something goes wrong with the transport. I'll survive any technical mishaps, you won't and it's not a risk I'm willing to take.

 

 **Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

 _Sent from My BlackBerry from Virgin Mobile_

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

Owen, is that flamethrower still in working order? And that armour stuff you and Ianto spent three days playing with while Jack was away?

 

 **Tosh**

 _Scared tech wizard._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

Yeah, Tosh, they were both fine last time I saw them. I'll bring them up with some of that transporter stuff Jack wanted. Think I should get that chain-saw thing we found a few months back?

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

Can’t hurt. Watch out, Jack’s on the warpath again. Jack, you can’t stop us. I’ve found a way to communicate with them – I think. Get down here.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Scared tech wizard._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

Owen, bring anything that looks helpful.

 

I'm nearly there, Tosh. I will be putting you in charge of communication, but, I repeat, YOU AND OWEN ARE STAYING HERE! Full-lockdown may not stop you, but it will slow you down and I WILL lock you in here if I think you're going to do something rash.

 

Getting out the lift now.

 

 **Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

 _Sent from My BlackBerry from Virgin Mobile_

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

On my way back up; I'm coming through the back entrance as I've got all the stuff on a trolley.

 

Jack, I'm with Tosh; we're coming with you. For all we know they may need medical attention, and what do you plan on doing if you get up there and need Tosh to do her computer thing?

 

We understand you’re worried, but face it - we're coming with you.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

 _Sent from My BlackBerry from Virgin Mobile_

 

* * *

 

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

Right! Fine! I give up, but get a move on, Tosh is trying to make contact with them and we're going as soon as Tosh is finished.

 

 **Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

…I think we can calm down a _little_ , I’ve just been told that execution is _not_ a punishment for this crime…

 

But I think there was something about hard labour.

 

I’ve asked for a description and, if possible, a picture of whatever it is they’re meant to have stolen – it seems likely it’s come through the Rift and Gwen and Ianto picked it up. I have a feeling it might be that box, Jack – the one with the DNA lock? It did have a homing device of some sort.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Scared tech wizard._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

As good as that news is, Tosh, I’ll not feel any better until they’re both back inside the Hub. Keep talking to the Judoon; see if the box is what they’re after and if they’ll be willing to negotiate. The box is still in my office, I’ll bring it down just in case.

 

Owen, I know you’re reading this over Tosh’s shoulder. Leave those transporter things – I’ll look them over in a minute. I want you to have two kits ready to go; one you can carry and one you can take in the car. I don’t know if we’ll be able to persuade them to meet us at one of the abandoned farms outside Caerphilly or if we’ll have to go up there, but I want to be ready to move-out as soon as we know.

 

 **Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

They’ll trade as long as the people get a formal apology from Ianto and Gwen and ‘their owner’, according to the translation, but I’m not sure how accurate it is…anyway, I think they mean you, Jack.

 

The farm is fine, but they’ll only let two people to go, so I’d better stay behind to coordinate. They’ll be there in three hours. I’m not sure why so long, but they wouldn’t compromise on that.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Scared tech wizard._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

Excellent, Tosh. Do they want a verbal apology or a written one? Owen, we’re leaving in ten minutes.

 

 **Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

So if we leave in ten minutes and judging on how fast you drive and the distance between Cardiff and Caerphilly, I’m guessing we’re going to be 2 hours early. Tosh, can I take your Sudoku book? I’ve done the puzzles in today’s papers.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

I’m guessing you’ve arrived already. The scanners aren’t showing any sign of activity. I hope they’re alright.

 

It occurred to me that Gwen will be so angry if she misses the wedding because of this. If anything stops the wedding, Jack, you can tell Rhys.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Scared tech wizard._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

Yes, we’re here, Tosh. I’ll let you know when we’ve got them back.

 

There’s still a few days left until Gwen’s wedding, so I’m sure I’ll not have to face the wrath of Rhys. If those messages from the Judoon are accurate then Owen suspects the worst thing they’re going to have to deal with is fatigue.

 

 **(An impatient) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

 _Sent from My BlackBerry from Virgin Mobile_

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

I’ve had a message, they should be arriving in ten minutes.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Scared tech wizard._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

We’re on our way back now, Tosh. Ianto’s got a cut on his scalp and Gwen’s got some scratches on her arms, but it’s mostly just bruises. Nothing a good night’s sleep and some of that bruise cream won’t fix. I’ll give them both a check-up when we get back, but I’m not worried.

 

...Saying that, Jack’s driving, so it’s anybody’s guess what sort of a state we’ll be in when we arrive.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

 _Sent from My BlackBerry from Virgin Mobile_

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

I’m thrilled to see you all managed to focus so much on ‘rescuing’ me and Gwen that you were able to leave the archives and the kitchen in impeccable order.

 

Yes, thank you for the rescue. I’ll be busy sorting things out now. No, there will not be coffee. Yes, Jack, you may come and visit me in the archives.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god, fifth kidnap in and still going strong._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

I've got a pile of expenses to approve, but I'll come visit you before lunch, make sure you're not over-doing it down there ;)

 

Seeing as how we're having to fend for ourselves, girls, I suggest we all take turns making coffee runs. If you send me your orders I'll do the first run. Ianto, you want one or are you just making your own?

 

Gwen, I'm assuming you've been checked over by Owen? If not make sure you've seen him before I get back.

 

 **(A relieved) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

I’m fine, Jack, stop being such a mother hen.

 

And I’ve warned you before about smileys.

 

No coffee for me, I’m too jumpy.

 

 **Gwen**

 _Shaken but not stirred._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

Espresso for me, Jack, and I’ll volunteer for the lunch run.

 

Gwen, is everything sorted for the wedding? You’re having a hen party the night before, aren’t you?

 

 **Tosh**

 _Relieved tech wizard, working._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

Deep breaths, Gwen, your wedding is going to be FINE! Will a hot chocolate make you feel better? One with whipped cream and sprinkles?

 

One espresso coming up, Tosh. You want a cake or anything to go with it?

 

I'll go down and ask Ianto if he wants anything. Final orders before I get back up, please.

 

 **Captain Jack Harkness (who is NOT procrastinating, no matter what Owen or Ianto says).**

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

Oh, he’ll be half an hour now. Gwen, want to take twenty minutes and run up for coffee and maybe an ice cream?

 

 **Tosh**

 _Relieved tech wizard, working._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

Ooh, sounds great. I’m not panicking, not really, I’m just a bit worried about Rhys’s stag do!

 

It’s awfully close now.

 

Give me a couple of minutes to finish this report and I’ll be there, Tosh.

 

 **Gwen**

 _Shaken but not stirred._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

Oi! Wait for me! No way I'm staying here on my own when those two are going at it downstairs. Besides, I've got my suit in the locker-rooms, which I need to take to the cleaners.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

I see an awful lot of work has been done today. Perhaps I should bring archiving work into the main Hub tomorrow.

 

Gwen is on call only tomorrow and Friday, although she tells me she’ll be in on Friday afternoon to avoid killing Rhys.

 

Jack, you own a suit. I hope you’ll be wearing it.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god, fifth kidnap in and still going strong._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

How about I give you a dress rehearsal tonight, Ianto? Dinner for two at Fontana De Trevi?

 

Thank you to whoever left the fairy-cake on my desk. Now what are you guys after?

 

 **(A hopeful) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

It wasn’t me, but if I was after anything, it’d be for a VERY QUIET three days. The rift can explode once I’m off on my honeymoon as long as it stays quiet until then!!!!

 

 **Gwen**

 _Shaken but not stirred._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

Don’t look at me. I’m off for the night – might be in early tomorrow, I want to run a series of tests.

 

Owen, did you want to come round and get those dvds later?

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard, very caffeinated._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

Personally, Gwen, I'd prefer it if the Rift didn't explode at all. Last time it did that I ended up thrown back to 1922, naked, and handcuffed to a weevil.

 

Not too early, Tosh, and NO work tonight if you insist on coming in early.

 

 **(A nostalgic) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

I'll leave with you, Tosh, and get those dvds now. I'm on call all night so I’ll probably get most of them, if not all, back to you tomorrow.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

 _* * *_

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

The computers are now fully functioning again. Sorry about yesterday, it seems that the baby squirrel rat (which isn’t really a baby anymore – juvenile?) chewed through a cable. I know you like it, Owen, but it really needs some training.

 

Has anybody seen Ianto? He’s usually in first (well, after Jack, of course!) but I’ve not seen him today, and the kitchen doesn’t look as though he’s been in there.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard, feeling good._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

Ianto’s not in today, he’s got a family thing, but he promises he’ll be in bright and early tomorrow and he’s really looking forward to Gwen’s wedding.

 

Owen, I know you’re still training the rat, but until I’m satisfied that it is fully house-trained then it stays in its cell. It’s allowed out ONLY under supervision.

 

Seeing as how there’s just me and you for lunch, Tosh, how about we go up that sushi bar that nobody else will order from? Owen, you are of course welcome to join us, just no comments about how disgusting the food looks.

 

 **(A hopeful) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

 *** * ***

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

Sorry again about yesterday. Baby squirrel rat is now in a new cell.

 

Thanks for the offer, Jack, but I think I’ll pass. Just thinking of sushi is making my stomach turn.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

Sure, Jack, that’d be nice. Half twelve okay?

 

Ianto mentioned something about you in a suit tomorrow. Was he just teasing us? Will you really be abandoning your beloved coat?

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard, feeling good._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

Yes, Tosh, tomorrow I will be wearing a suit and leaving my coat behind in the office. On second thoughts, I may leave it in the boot of the car, you never know when it might come in handy ;)

 

12.30 sounds fine, I’ll come get you then. We can call into Costa on the way back too. I’ve already had three cups today and I’m still suffering withdrawal symptoms from a lack of Ianto’s coffee.

 

 **(A decaffeinated) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

Oh, bloody hell. Would somebody be able to pick my suit up for me? It’s got to be picked up before 3, but I’m up to my elbows in weevil guts. Finally got a chance to look at several of those dead weevils we picked up last week and so far I’ve had one liver explode on me and three lungs disintegrate into some sort of black goo. I’m hoping it’s just weevil lurgy season again, but I want to look over the other three I’ve got, just to check. Don’t think Gwen would take too well to her wedding being interrupted by a herd of rabid, coughing weevils.

 

I finished the last of those dvds last night, Tosh. They’re on my desk, remind me to give them back to you before I go home tonight.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

…I was out of the Hub for an hour. How the HELL is there a fault with the internal monitors? They were absolutely fine when I left. Owen, if that thing isn’t in its cell I’ll do something. I don’t know what yet, but it won’t be pleasant.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard, pissed off._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

It’s in the cells downstairs; it keeps eating through the plastic portable ones. It seems to have developed a taste for Perspex, computer wires and jelly babies. I’m trying to keep an eye on it, but that squirrel rat is one fast and sneaky bastard.

 

...Nobody managed to pick up my suit, did they?

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe and Still Up To His Elbows In Weevil Guts._

 

 _* * *_

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

No, Owen, we didn’t pick up your suit as you didn’t give us your card, nor did you tell us which cleaners it’s at, so we couldn’t even bluff our way through. I’ve got to shout at the PM again soon and Tosh is repairing the damage that squirrel rat did, so I suggest you take a shower and go pick it up yourself. The dead weevils will still be there later.

 

 **(A slightly more caffeinated) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

Alright, I’m here. Distract me. SOMEBODY PLEASE DISTRACT ME.

 

 **Gwen**

 _Don’t ask. No, really, DON’T ASK._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

I don’t know if this is the kind of distraction you’re after, but there’s been Rift activity, and from what I can tell it was something living. It came through in Bute Park, but there’s not enough CCTV coverage to see what it is.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard, pissed off._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 45

 

Come on, Gwen. You and I can go check it out. Hopefully, it won’t take too long. Tosh, you stay here and monitor the area in case it appears on a CCTV hotspot. When Owen gets back from the cleaners get him to help you. And make sure he keeps that squirrel rat out of the way!

 

PM has, once again, tried to pass me onto one of his secretaries, so he can wait until Monday. God I miss Harriet Jones.

 

 **(A slightly irate) Captain Jack Harkness.**


	8. Newsletter no. 46

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Newsletter no. 46

 

News

 

It’s been a particularly eventful week. Gwen and I were arrested by the Judoon, threatened with hard labour and then released on return of the item we supposedly stole (ie, picked up when it came out of the Rift). Neither of us were seriously hurt, so as arrests/kidnaps go it wasn’t bad, but I get the impression everyone was rather worried.

 

And then on Saturday it was Gwen’s wedding, which went off as smoothly as Torchwood functions ever manage. On Friday evening Gwen and Jack were chasing a Rift arrival, Gwen was bitten and, as it turned out, impregnated by a Nostrovite. I’m told Rhys’ face was a picture.

 

The wedding was therefore rather disrupted, as Mother Nostrovite came after her offspring and Jack got an opportunity to use the big gun. Gwen is now Mrs Williams and will be back from her honeymoon on Saturday.

 

Personnel issues

 

We were all highly disappointed that Jack didn’t wear his suit to the wedding, given the events (well, Tosh and I were, anyway).

 

Gwen is still to be referred to as Gwen Cooper for the purposes of the job.

 

Inmates

Two weevils (Janet and Marlene).

Fish tank (with new shellfish from the bay).

Squirrel rats (10).

Three humans (Jack, Ianto & Tosh).

One King of the Weevils, or the walking dead (Owen).

Pteranodon (Myfanwy).

 

Miscellaneous

 

Whoever keeps leaving cupcakes on Jack’s desk is kindly requested to continue.

 

Owen wants to know if he can put a Lovefilm subscription on his expenses since he died in the line of duty and doesn’t eat anymore. I told him I’d refer him to Jack.

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

I, too, request that the cupcake fairy keeps leaving me presents, especially ones with the swirly, pink icing on.

 

How much are we talking about, Owen, for this Love Film subscription? If it’s reasonable, then I’m willing to have Torchwood pay for it, given the circumstances.

 

Tosh, I think Ianto has a picture of me in my suit on his laptop somewhere. I’m sure if you asked him nicely and provided him with a bag of those chocolate-covered coffee beans he’d show it to you. Or I could always give you a live-show?

 

 **(A cake deprived) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

I was thinking the £15.99 a month package, Jack. Give me this and I’ll stop charging porn and non-essentials to the Torchwood credit card.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Fine, Owen, set it up. Though, offering to stop charging the Torchwood credit card seems to be an empty promise, seeing as how no suspicious payments have appeared on the card since you died.

 

 **(A cupcake craving,** _**hint hint** _ **) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

There will be NO live show. Tosh, I’ll email you the picture.

 

Jack, I’ve told you before, I don’t know who’s giving you the cupcakes so looking at me like that won’t make any difference. They never appear when you’re in your office, anyway.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god – bow down before me._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Oooh, very nice, Jack. I approve. You should get out of your uniform more often.

 

Ianto, can you take a look at some of the Rift data for me? You know the city better than I do, really. It’s nothing big, just general ripples, but I’m a little concerned about the build-up in certain areas. If you can take a look and see if you can dig up any old archive records?

 

Also, Jack, I’ll buy you a whole box of cupcakes when I go out for my lunch break (need to do a bit of shopping) if you’ll make sure I don’t get harassed by UNIT on Wednesday. It’s the six month mark.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard, be afraid._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

But I thought you were so fond of the coat, Tosh? I know Ianto is ;)

 

I’ll make sure UNIT stay off your back, cupcake or no cupcake. But if you get me one while you’re out it would be greatly appreciated. Also, how concerned do I need to be about these Rift ripples?

 

Ianto, Ianto, Ianto. That wasn’t my “I want a cupcake look,” it was my “Can I have a cup of coffee please? Pretty please, with a cherry on top,” look. However, it is an easy mistake to make. It’s also been mistaken for my “I propose we kick Tosh and Owen out for a long lunch later,” look.

 

 **(A hopeful) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Sure, Tosh, do you want me to come now? I’ll just finish off this report.

 

Coffee will be at 11, Jack, as usual, or you can go and buy your own. And you can’t kick Owen out for lunch, he doesn’t eat.

 

Besides. Work hours.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god – bow down before me._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

…I don’t think you should be worried at all, Jack, there have always been ripples, I’m just particularly interested that there seems to be a small amount of build-up in certain specific areas, almost like the Rift is physically leaving markers – like waves on the sand, points where things build up. We already know there are certain areas of Cardiff that are more likely to have items or aliens deposited – Bute Park, for instance – but there never seems to be anything left at these places, just a degree of Rift activity that’s strong enough to register but not strong enough to have caused any alarm in the past, or indeed now.

 

Cupcakes later, I promise.

 

Yes, Ianto, that would be lovely.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard, be afraid._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

I know who the cupcake fairy is! See attached video file.

 

Hopefully this will remind you to a) NOT have sex on my autopsy table and b) delete the bloody footage as this job has traumatised me enough without seeing THAT!

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe and EXTREMELY UNAMUSED._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

…Owen, you are such an arsehole.

 

Jack, I am taking over the task of deleting CCTV footage since you’re clearly unable to do so.

 

And Owen? If you call me a fairy again in any frame of reference I will make you pay.

 

Tosh, I’ll be there in a moment.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god – pissed off and dangerous._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Yes, Ianto, I’m the arsehole despite the fact I’ve asked, begged and ordered you guys not to go near my autopsy bay, and yet you keep doing it. If I _was_ being an arsehole, Ianto, I would be posting the footage of yours and Jack’s session on YouTube.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe Who STRONGLY SUGGESTS That Jack and Ianto Keep Well Away From The Autopsy Bay After Hours If They Don’t Want To Face The Consequences._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Why is it every time I get a phone call from Archie I put the phone down to find that my team, Tosh excepted, have turned into petty, squabbling ten-year-olds.

 

Owen, delete the footage immediately and if I find anything on YouTube, or any other site, I will be cutting off your LoveFilm subscription and you’ll have to pay for all your own dry-cleaning – including any work-related incidents.

 

Ianto, ignore him. Surely you’ve been fighting with Owen long enough to know that threatening Owen is about as successful as letting Gwen operate the coffee machine. And why didn’t you tell me that you were the one leaving me cupcakes? It’s very sweet of you (pun intended!).

 

 **(A despairing) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

You’re the one who wants to have sex on everybody’s bloody desk!

 

And shut up.

 

Owen, I really don’t see why you shouldn’t object to the footage or our activities, you’ve made no secret of your opinion of us. However I’m fairly sure you could have worked out that if I wasn’t letting Jack know that I was the one putting the cupcakes on his desk, I must have had a reason and it was none of your bloody business!

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god – pissed off and dangerous._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

I miss Gwen. You’re all such _men_.

 

I’m going for lunch. My phone’s on.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard, irritated._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Ianto, I can honestly say I have NO INTEREST WHATSOEVER in your sex-life. Therefore, I have no opinion; positive or negative. If you and Jack want to shag like bunnies, go ahead. I do, however, have a problem with you guys doing it a) somewhere other people have to work and b) somewhere that doubles up as a medical bay. I’m not even insisting you guys always go to Ianto’s flat all the time, JUST KEEP AWAY FROM MY MEDICAL BAY!

 

Also, IT’S A BLOODY CUPCAKE!!!! If you’re having issues about A CUPCAKE I suggest you see a therapist.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe_

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

This ends now! Ianto, Owen, keep away from each other and don’t email each other unless you’ve got something important to say or decide you can actually act civilly to each other.

 

Tosh, if you’re reading this on your phone, do yourself a favour and take a longer lunch. Judging from the look on Ianto’s face and the noises coming from the autopsy bay I suspect something may blow up sooner rather than later. I’m going to go sit with Myfanwy for a while, chances of her killing me are slightly lower than Death By Ianto and/or Owen at this point.

 

 **(An even more despairing) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Don’t feed her, she’s had breakfast.

 

It wasn’t a bloody secret, I just didn’t want you making fun of me, Owen, and the girls being…well, the girls.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god – pissed off and dangerous. And a bit sorry._

 

P.S. It really was Jack’s fault. He gets these ideas and it’s usually safer just to go along with them. He gets this look, and it’s…yeah.

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

....Uh, huh. And the reason you didn’t tell Jack was...? (And don’t deny it, we all saw your earlier email saying, and I quote, “Jack, I’ve told you before, I don’t know who’s giving you the cupcakes.”)

 

Seriously, you have ISSUES.

 

Remind me to give you the number for a psychologist before you leave tonight.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe and Not At All Sorry._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Owen, ENOUGH! If I hear you say ONE MORE THING about those bloody cup-cakes I will not be held responsible for my actions.

 

 **(A rapidly more annoyed) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Owen.

 

You’re dead.

 

Tosh’s recent relationships (sorry, Tosh) have been with a murdering alien and a frozen soldier from 1918.

 

Jack is immortal and doesn’t stay dead.

 

Gwen…well, actually, I don’t think she’s too badly off.

 

And me? I survived the worst battle of the 21st century so far. And I’m sleeping with the man I once swore to kill.

 

None of us have any room to talk.

 

Fine. Jack. I have been secretly leaving cupcakes on your desk because – surprise surprise – I fancy you and you’ve got one hell of a sweet tooth and never seem to put on any weight so it doesn’t bloody matter. I didn’t tell you because I _know_ you and you’d have told absolutely bloody everyone and frankly, I quite like having a private life that’s at least somewhat PRIVATE and not the subject of gossip for the whole team.

 

Happy, Owen?

  
I’m going out for lunch.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god – pissed off and dangerous. And armed._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

....I was going to deny that I’d tell anybody, but I would probably tell Tosh and/or Gwen. I wouldn’t tell Owen though. You know I fancy you too, right? ;)

 

Oh, and Ianto, I do appreciate the cakes. Thank you. Let me cook tonight to say thank you and sorry for forgetting to delete the CCTV? Please?

 

 **(A significantly less annoyed) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Yes, Ianto, I’m ecstatic. Can we fight about something else now, I’m getting bored with this?

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Owen. You’re the one who started it. You really can be absolutely _awful_ sometimes. I really don’t know why I bother.

 

Ianto, drinks tonight?

 

Jack, I’m collating the data on the Rift ripples for you, since you were concerned, but I doubt there is anything serious.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard, rather disappointed in the male of the species right now._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Yes, Tosh, that would be lovely.

 

Sorry, Jack, I appear to have other arrangements.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god – pissed off and dangerous._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Thanks, Tosh. Put it on my desk before you leave and I’ll read it tonight, though if you’re not concerned I suspect it’s nothing to worry about. Oh, and thank you for the cake. :)

 

 **(A disappointed, but understanding) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

It’s raining. I know it’s Cardiff, but the forecast said sun. Nothing Rift-related, just poor weatherman-ship, but I do hate waking up in the morning to rain.

 

Plus I’m wet.

 

Ianto, I will love you forever if you can make me a mocha when you get a chance? I brought pastries.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard, ever-so-slightly hung over…_

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Sure. Anyone else?

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god, also slightly hung over…_

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Ianto, I think it’s safe to say that if I ever refuse a cup of your coffee that you should probably shoot me on sight. Shape-shifters are clever buggers. I’ll have whatever you’re having :)

 

Judging by the slightly bleary looks on your faces, I’m assuming you and Tosh had a good night? You know, if I tried hard enough, I’m sure I could kiss your headache better...

 

 **(A not-at-all hung over) Captain Jack Harkness**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

You’re being _loud_.

 

Coffee’s in the kitchen, help yourselves. I’ll be down in the nice dark, quiet, cool archives.

 

Jack, you can join me if you don’t talk.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god, also slightly hung over…_

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

...Jack, please tell me that offer to ‘kiss your headache better’ was just for Ianto? Not that I expect Tosh to agree, seeing as how she’s supposed to be the smart one of the group. Not that I’m bothered who you shag, we’ve covered this already, but watching your weekly grovelling sessions with Ianto is bad enough, without adding Tosh into the mix.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

...Okay, I’ve not had my coffee yet, Owen, but I think I’ve just been insulted. I’m just going to ignore that email.

 

On my way down now, Ianto. I’m also bringing some of those biscuits you like that I had in my office. Tosh, behind the breadbin there should be a few Dairy Milk bars hidden. I suspect you’ll want some sooner or later.

 

 **(A Very Quiet) Captain Jack Harkness**.

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Owen…………..you have painkillers in the cupboard, right?

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard, ever-so-slightly hung over…_

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

I’ll bring them over; I can’t believe you were daft enough to wear those heels when you can barely walk in a straight line. You need some anti-nausea stuff as well?

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

No, but could you bring my coffee on your way past?

 

I’ve got more dvds for you, by the way.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard, ever-so-slightly hung over._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Jack’s gone to collect lunch. I’ll be on the sofa if anyone wants me. Please try not to want me.

 

Oh, by the way, Tosh? I took a look at the file on Rift ripples. They seem to be growing in a couple of places. I’ve started collating the records going back at least 50 years in those locations. Might be worth a look, if we get a slow day.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god, also slightly hung over._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Weevil sighting in Bute Park. Broad daylight, which probably means it’s rabid. Ianto and I are heading off to collect it.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard, ever-so-slightly hung over._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

I’ll just sit here and twiddle my thumbs then will I while the Captain fights the Evil bastards that are the cashiers at Greggs and our two piss-heads go and catch a rabid weevil, despite the fact Tosh still can’t walk in a straight line and Ianto is the same colour as my autopsy table?

 

Both of you hand over your keys, I’m driving.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

You’re not allowed on field missions without Jack’s say-so, and he’s out. So just be on comms, will you?

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god, sobering up._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

What, and just sit here while you two get yourselves mauled? This is, of course, assuming you don’t crash the SUV into a tree. I am your bloody doctor, Ianto, and I AM NOT going to sit by and watch you two do something stupid.

 

Also, _hello!_ King of the Weevils, remember?

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Well, while you two men have wasted time arguing, I’ve called Jack. He’s collecting it on his way back.

 

Owen, Ianto is perfectly correct, you shouldn’t be going on field missions without Jack’s permission.

 

Ianto, he’s probably got a point. I’m still not sure I can walk in a straight line.

 

Myfanwy’s got hold of a desk chair. Why don’t you both try to get it off her?

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard, grumpy but sobering up._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

It was Gwen’s chair. I’ll order another one, this is…mauled. Rather badly.

 

Jack, you forgot my crisps.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god, sobering up._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

I’ll go back and get some. Anybody else want anything. Oh, and Tosh, you want to come with me and leave these two to glare at each other in peace?

 

 **Captain Jack Harkness (who is still trying to work out when half of his team turned into squabbling children).**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Hold on, I’ll come.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god, apologetic._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

I have a feeling I’m going to be spending all day entertaining Myfanwy today – she’s not been out in a few days because of the rain, and she’s quite clearly feeling restless.

 

Jack, don’t forget you’ve got that phone call at 10 with the Chancellor of the Exchequer about our budget.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god, still apologetic but very satisfied._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Ianto, that is possibly the understatement of the century, seeing as how she’s managed to destroy Gwen’s chair, the computer on my desk and do you know how long it took me to calm baby squirrel rat down after their run-in? If this is restless than I really don’t want to know what she’s like when she’s pissed.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Don’t worry, Ianto, I’d remembered. Tosh, you got any last minute requests or will I just go ahead with the report you gave me yesterday?

 

I am assuming I can trust you all to behave and remember you are all adults while I’m on the phone?

 

 **(A not-very-hopeful) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Pissed is…not good. She even scares Jack then.

 

I think I might have to sedate her later if she doesn’t calm down. What I’d really like to do this weekend is sedate her, take her out somewhere like the Beacons, and let her fly free for a few hours.

 

Thoughts on that, Jack?

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god, still apologetic but very satisfied._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Nothing else to add, Jack.

 

I’ll be running tests for most of the day, so please try not to disturb me unless necessary.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard, busy._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Nobody is going near that pterodactyl with anything until I’ve checked her over. We should make sure she is only just agitated from being cooped up too long and she’s not got some underlying illness that’s annoying her. Should also make sure she’s not ingested something she shouldn’t have when she decided that Gwen’s chair was a chew-toy.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Wait for me, then, she hates your smell.

 

Jack – weekend, yes or no? Also don’t forget to mention the savings I told you about. They’re keen on savings, might help make the conversation easier.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god, still apologetic but very satisfied._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

What a surprise, his PA rang twenty minutes late and I’ve now been sitting on hold for five minutes. I’m getting annoyed now. It’s about time these people started taking us seriously.

 

If Owen says she’s fine to be moved then yes for the weekend.

 

Ianto, I know you’re worried about Myfanwy, but try to stop panicking. I remembered about the call, the savings, the need for more tech money and to tell them that if they think they’re merging our budget with UNIT’s they’ve got another thing coming.

 

 **(An incensed) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

On my way over now, Ianto, but if that thing goes for me again I’m holding you responsible.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

I am NOT worried. I am concerned. There is a difference.

 

If you get back to Amanda, Jack, tell her I’ll send her a large batch of special blend if she’ll expedite things.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god, still apologetic but very satisfied._

 

* * *

 

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

What on earth is that awful screeching? We don’t have a Hoix in, do we?

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard, busy._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Somebody remind me why we allow Ianto to keep that bloody thing?!

 

Blood tests will be back within the hour, Ianto. Now, if you’ll all excuse me, I’m going to go recover from that traumatic experience by playing solitaire.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe, Who Doesn’t Remember Pterodactyl Plaything Being In His Contract._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Jack has sentimental memories of capturing her. And you get Weevils and the squirrel rat, so don’t throw stones.

 

Jack, it’s been half an hour, _please_ tell me you’re done with that phone call.

 

Sorry that she disturbed you, Tosh. I’ve given her a light sedative in her breakfast, so she should be quieter now.

 

I’ll be up in the office for a couple of hours now, I’m expecting a delivery. Owen, let me know about those blood tests?

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god, NOT worried._

  
* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

THAT IS IT! I AM _SICK_ OF BEING TREATED LIKE CRAP BY STUPID, IGNORANT, _INCOMPETANT_ POLITICANS WHO CAN’T TELL AN EXPENSES FORM FROM A LUNCH MENU!

 

Ianto, the SECOND Gwen gets back to work you and I are going on a visit to see the Chancellor of the Exchequer. Janet is coming with us.

 

 **(An absolutely furious) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Myfanwy seems to have some sort of bug, so no to her going out this weekend. Last thing we need is her giving the sheep and American tourists something contagious. I’m sorting out some medication now.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Right, I need coffee. And cake. And something incredibly nice for dinner. Therefore, we’re going out for lunch. And yes, Owen, you’re coming too. Think of it as some sort of team-bonding exercise. I’ll be upstairs talking to Ianto, you two come up when you’re done.

 

 **(A still enraged) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Tosh, Owen, I’ll let you know when we’re ready to go for lunch.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god, NOT worried._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

In other words, we’ll stay down here until you give the all clear.

 

Owen, could you come and give me a hand? I’m trying to change over that decayed power cable but it’s really a two-person job…

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard, working._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Sure, Tosh, I’ll be over in a second, just checking this pterodactyl prescription. Oh, you want a biscuit or anything from the kitchen, I suspect lunch is going to be late?

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

It’s safe to come up now. We’re ready to leave when you two are.

 

 **(A much calmer) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Owen, it’s been three hours since you gave Myfanwy her drugs and nearly four since she had the sedative and she’s still out of it.

 

Jack, stop eying up that box of pastries, they’re for dessert later. Unless you want me to get annoyed. You might be doing it on purpose, I’m never quite sure.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god, still not worried._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

She’s fine, Ianto, stop getting your knickers in a twist. She’s basically got a cold/flu like bug, so she’s bound to be tired.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

...I like you when you’re annoyed ;)

 

 **(A satisfied) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Owen, if I were wearing knickers, they would be far from twisted.

 

And yes, Jack, I know.

 

Now, if you’ll all excuse me, I have a phone call to make to the Chancellor’s PA.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god, still not worried._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

…I think, Ianto, it might be time for coffee and a gossip. Sofa in ten minutes?

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard, working._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Judging from the racket coming from upstairs, I think your pterodactyl is finally awake, Ianto. I assume you want to come with me while I give her the next dose of medicine? This is assuming you can drag yourself away from your girly gossip session.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Owen, consider this a friendly warning. Whatever has put that scowl on your face today, you are NOT taking it out on the rest of the team, pterodactyl, squirrel rats, etc.

 

I suggest you either deal with whatever has annoyed you or you go bury yourself in some paperwork.

 

Ianto, let me know what Amanda said, though I still think a trip to London is in order.

 

 **(A content) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Amanda now owes me several large favours. Jack, you need to buy me a large drink later.

 

Yes, Owen, I’ll be right there.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god, no longer worrying._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Gwen’s back tomorrow and her desk is covered in paperwork…Jack, Owen? Is it yours?

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard, rather amused._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Ianto, the Chancellor of the Exchequer just rang; I could kiss you. Tonight: you, me and a table for two at The Dizzy Llama?

 

 **(A delighted) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

 *** * ***

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

It’s mine, Tosh. It’s the latest dietary information for the weevils, as well as the beginnings of my “How To Look After A Baby Squirrel Rat For Dummies,” book. I plan on selling it as a children’s book.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Owen, you better be joking about the book. I’ve told you before about writing about Torchwood, even if you put it under fiction.

 

 **(A content) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

So I can’t publish my spy novel that was sure to be a best seller, then?

 

And no, Jack, I’ve got a family meal tonight. Sorry.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god, no longer worrying._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

…somebody keeps stealing toilet roll out of the ladies’. And since Owen doesn’t need it and Ianto doesn’t even like cleaning in there, I’m looking at you, Jack.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard, rather amused._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

...Okay, I’ve been sneezing all day, (was going through some of my old stuff downstairs, dust EVERYWHERE!) and I’m out of hankies. I’d use the stuff in the blokes, but your stuff is softer....

 

Pick a date and time, Ianto. I AM taking you out. You still want me to come over after your family thing or are you stopping over? I’d say no for the story, better safe than sorry.

 

 **(A rather dusty) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

 *** * ***

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

There, I’ve moved all my stuff off Gwen’s desk and it actually looks better than it did when she left. Not that I suspect she’ll notice.

 

Jack, you see that big white box on Tosh’s desk? They’re called tissues. I’m sure she would have let you use some if you asked, instead of nicking the stuff out of the ladies bogs.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

The exact same brand of toilet roll goes into every single toilet in this base. You are clearly imagining things, Jack. Also sarcasm is clearly lost on you over email.

 

I’m going shopping after lunch, Tosh, so I’ll buy some more. I’ve also got soap on the list, before you ask.

 

Also, Myfanwy seems improved today. Owen, I normally give her a bar of chocolate on Friday evenings, is that still okay?

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god, despairing._

 

 *** * ***

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Sure, Ianto, but don’t be insulted if she turns her nose up at it. Oh, and don’t attempt to wake her if she’s out of it again; I suspect sleep will be just as beneficial as the antibiotics.

 

I spotted the new pet toys on my desk for the squirrel rat. Tosh, I assume they are from you? I’ll go down and give the baby squirrel rat a run-around. He’s been getting very close to one of the female squirrel rats. Jack, am I okay to allow them to breed or do I need to completely segregate the males?

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

That depends, Owen. Given how much bother the last baby squirrel rat caused, what would you do if we suddenly ended up a whole herd of baby squirrel rats? Last thing we need is a swarm of them eating Tosh’s computers.

 

Can you pick me up some of those nice smelling dust wipes, please, Ianto? Lemon preferably, but the plain one is also fine.

 

 **(An even dustier) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

 *** * ***

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

I refuse to believe you’ll use them for dusting, Jack, so no.

 

Also, if we were going to segregate the squirrel rats shouldn’t we have done it months ago? I’m amazed we’ve not had more pregnancies, to be honest. I suppose they may have seasons?

 

Also I’m not sure herd is the right word, that usually refers to grazing animals. Pack, perhaps? A pack of rats? Or…what do they call a group of squirrels?

 

Lunch will be here in ten minutes. I ordered Chinese.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god, despairing._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

You’re welcome, Owen. I noticed he’s worn out most of the ones we got him a couple of months ago.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard, rather amused._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

...I don’t even want to know what you think Jack would do with those dust wipes.

 

Most of the rats are segregated, but Baby Squirrel Rat keeps getting into the other cells. I’m still trying to work out how he’s doing this. I could always move him to another level of cells, but last time he was left alone he managed to put the Hub into lock-down.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Chancellor of the Exchequer just rang, and by that I mean the _actual_ Chancellor of the Exchequer and not his secretary or some other lower-ranked politician. Our budget has been approved!

 

All bow down to our resident coffee god and his ability to efficiently bribe Westminster PA’s.

 **(A happy, though still slightly dusty) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

 *** * ***

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

There was no bribery involved, I assure you.

 

I’m going shopping now, and then I’ll be back for a few hours before heading out. Please try not to destroy your office before I get back, Jack. It looks like a bomb site right now.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god, despairing._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

…DON’T let the squirrel rat be alone, he destroys things when he’s alone. I am not going to replace all those new cables AGAIN.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard, grumpy._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

...So what do you call that large packet of coffee you’ve just sent to Amanda?

 

Owen, do what you think is best with the squirrel rats, but I want weekly updates and immediate updates if you do anything new.

 

I am now going to attempt to reassemble my office; I think something may actually have exploded in here.

 **(A Busy) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

...Would the squirrel rats all breaking out of their cells and having an orgy count as an important update? Don’t worry they’re all back in their cages now, and I’ve got something in my lab which is effectively a Morning-After Pill for rats. Will be putting it in their food.

 

Also, don’t start shouting the way you lot do, but Baby Squirrel Rat has been on a wander again. It’s fine, I know where he is! I found him chewing on that purple plant in the hot-house and he’s now sleeping on top of my monitor.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Lovely, back in Cardiff from the Mediterranean and met by rain! Typical Cardiff! Have I missed anything important?

 

 **Gwen**

 _Married!!!_

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Very little, I assure you. And yes, we’re aware it’s raining. Some of us had car problems this morning and so had to catch the bus and got soaking wet.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god, wet._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

You mostly missed a big testosterone-fuelled argument, Gwen, so it’s probably best you weren’t here!

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard, grumpily damp._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Welcome back, Gwen. Good honeymoon? Oh and where’s my present? ;)

 

Ianto, I’ll give you a lift back tonight. I’ve been on the Cardiff buses; I’m surprised you were still the first one in.

 

Which argument are you referring to, Tosh? Ianto and Owen’s little spat or the larger, more important one I had about the budget?

 **(A Very Dry) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

What is it with you and smiley’s, Jack? Gwen goes away and you don’t use them all week. The second she walks through the door and they’re back again!

 

Oh, it turns out squirrel rats and purple plants are not a good combination. I’d keep away from the level 3 cells for the foreseeable future.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

It’s a compulsion, I just can’t help it :P

 **(A Smugly Dry) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

The budget didn’t involve as much testosterone as the not-so-little spat, Jack.

 

Owen, you are cleaning that mess up, aren’t you? I don’t want to see Ianto’s face when he finds out about it…

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard, grumpily damp._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Who said you were getting a present, Jack? Especially if you keep using smiley faces?

 

Ianto, clearly you’re not getting your present either, this stack of paperwork is huge!!!

 

 **Gwen**

 _Married!!!_

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Mop and bucket are in the supply closet, Owen, and I advise using cleaning solution no.5. I will be inspecting.

 

Don’t blame me for the paperwork, Gwen, it’s all been waiting since before you left.

 

Jack – lunch?

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god, wet._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Of course, Ianto. Just let me know where and when you want me ;)

 

Gwen, I’m confident that I’m getting a present, given that large bag of goodies you’ve attempted, and failed, to hide under your desk.

 **(A confident) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 46

 

Cells have been restored to their usual grimy self and are ready for your inspection, Ianto.

 

Oh, and Jack, I’m with Gwen. Those smiley faces are starting to do my head in. Knock it off, yeah, and I’ll not accidentally on purpose let the squirrel rats loose in your office?

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._


	9. Newsletter no. 47

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Newsletter no. 47

 

News

 

A mostly uneventful week while Gwen was away, and then on Saturday the Night Travellers came out of old film and terrorised Cardiff for a while. They are now safely locked away on film in the secure archives.

 

The sole survivor of their attacks has been collected by relatives. Retcon was not needed in this case, as he remembers very little of the events.

 

The cinema has been closed and will remain under observation for a period of three months, after which it will be returned to the owners. Compensation has been granted.

 

In other news, Myfanwy has had a bad cold and is still not quite over it. Please don’t go near her (unless you’re Owen with her medicine).

 

Personnel issues

 

Jack has suggested that Owen and I ought to have anger management therapy. We have both politely declined.

 

Inmates

Two weevils (Janet and Marlene).

Fish tank.

Squirrel rats (10).

Four humans (Jack, Ianto, Gwen & Tosh).

One King of the Weevils, or the walking dead (Owen).

Pteranodon (Myfanwy).

 

Miscellaneous

 

A variety of items from the personal lockers have been pilfered, including Tosh’s second-favourite high heels, Gwen’s silk scarf and my cufflinks. The culprit will please return them in original condition – or replace them.

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47

 

....I’ll replace them. Squirrel Rat appears to have formed some sort of bond with that bloody pterodactyl – God only knows why, seeing as how she keeps trying to eat him! – and I think he gave them to Myfanwy as a Get Well Soon present. At least I’m hoping they were Get Well Soon presents. You guys want them actually replaced or do you want a check so you can replace them yourselves?

 

Jack, I stand by my original statement. If Ianto and I need anger management then you and Gwen need it too. Do I need to remind you of what happened during the last computer blip when Gwen’s honeymoon pictures vanished? I’ve lost count of how many times Ianto has threatened to tie you to your chair when you’re dealing with the PM. (Though, I strongly suspect that the only reason he’s not followed through on this threat is that you would enjoy it far too much.)

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47

 

What I want to know, Owen, is how that thing got Ianto’s cufflinks seeing as how they were in my room!

 

Enough is enough. I want that thing tagged and a bloody alarm to beep whenever that thing gets out of its cell. Tosh, can you knock something up and make sure Owen actually tags it? Thank you.

Finally, somebody want to tell me why I didn’t get an invite to the cinema? I know Tosh didn’t go, but at least she got invited. Just think, if you’d invited me I could have hidden a bag of popcorn under my coat...

 

 **Captain Jack Harkness (Who Is Starting To Get Really Sick of That Squirrel Rat).**

 

* * *

 

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47

 

You weren’t invited because you were on the phone, Jack.

 

Tosh, do you want any help preparing the tagging equipment? I have to admit, I’m surprised it was the squirrel rat. I suspected a rather more immortal culprit.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god, disturbed._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47

 

Sure, Ianto, thanks. I’ll start in a few minutes, just finishing up my report from the weekend. Jack, did you want the full history included, or just sent straight over to Ianto and archives? I’ve included a copy of the film of you in your circus days. As evidence.

 

Oh, and Ianto, I’ve made you a copy too. And I want to hear about what you think Jack would have been doing with heels, a scarf and cuff links!!!!

 

I’ll take the money, Owen; it’s not that I don’t trust you with shoes, more that I think you’d buy me something hideously garish and with the wrong sort of heels.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard, intrigued._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47

 

I have some ideas, Tosh…

 

Are we following up on that poor boy? I know he’s gone to family but you can never be too careful. Although I suppose social services will keep an eye, won’t they?

 

 **Gwen**

 _Settling into domestic…harmony?_

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47

 

I, for one, DO NOT want to know why Ianto thought Jack had Tosh's heels.

 

Ianto, your cufflinks appear to have survived their trip into Myfanwy’s lair. They’re on your desk. Tosh, let me know how much they were. You too, Gwen, seeing as how Tosh has so little faith in my shopping skills, I’m assuming you want cash too?

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47

 

Full history please, Tosh, just in case something similar happens again.

 

Social services will be keeping an eye on him, Gwen. Tosh is monitoring his medical notes for the next three months or so, just to make sure there’s no lasting effects from the Ghost Maker, and then we’ll close the file.

 

I, too, would like to know why Ianto thought I had your stuff, but now I’m thinking about it, I’ve got a few ideas...

 

 **(A thoughtful) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47

 

You forget, Jack, I’m the archivist. I’ve seen the photos attached to your personal file.

 

Thank you, Owen, much appreciated. Those cufflinks were a present with quite a lot of sentimental value.

 

Coffee in ten minutes, everyone, but we’re out of biscuits. I think someone’s been feeding them to the squirrel rat, judging by the crumbs in his cell. I also think Jack’s been eating them in bed again.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god, disturbed._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47

 

Thanks, Jack, that reassures me a lot. I don’t mean to worry just I saw a fair few kids when I was in the police that got placed with family, but it wasn’t the right thing. People just assume families will look after their relatives but it doesn’t always happen that way.

 

Definitely looking forward to the coffee, Ianto!

 

By the way Rhys says he wants to invite you all round for supper, maybe on Saturday. I said you probably would have other plans – and obviously Owen doesn’t eat – but the invite’s there.

 

 **Gwen**

 _Settling into domestic…harmony?_

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47

 

...I'm saying nothing about the biscuits.

 

Thanks for the offer, Gwen, but Ianto and I are out Saturday night. Maybe another night, though?

 

I'd forgotten about some of those pictures, though I think I've still got that feather boa somewhere.

 

 **Captain Jack Harkness (Who Is Eagerly Waiting For His Coffee).**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47

 

Sorry, Gwen, but I didn't do domestic when I could eat, nevermind now.

 

Whoever it is feeding Baby Squirrel Rat biscuits please KNOCK IT OFF, you're ruining all my training methods and he's starting to get fat.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47

 

We’re out on Saturday night, are we, Jack?

 

I have a meeting with the city council after lunch, just to warn everyone that I’ll be out of the office from 1.30. Also, can we please _not_ have pizza for lunch?

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god, disturbed._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47

 

Owen, I know for a fact you’ve been feeding that rat the biscuits. I saw you go down there with a whole packet of digestives.

 

 **Gwen**

 _Settling into domestic…harmony?_

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47

 

Why’s he complaining about it, then?

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god, disturbed._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47

 

I’ve not been feeding the squirrel rats, I’ve been giving them to the Weevils, okay? And don’t ask how I know they were craving digestives, I just did. The weevils, also, don’t get fat sharing one packet of biscuits. Baby squirrel rat, however, is either fat or pregnant, and given that I know he’s male, I’m hoping it’s the former.

 

I don’t care who is feeding the squirrel rat, just pack it in!

 

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47

 

Yes, Ianto, out. As in dinner, movie, walk by the pier. It’ll be fun, and I’m not taking no for an answer! You need a night off.

 

I don’t know about anybody else, but I’m craving pasta.

 

...Owen, do me a favour, yeah, and give that rat an ultrasound, just in case? Stranger things have happened.

 

 **(A slightly worried) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47

 

Will do, Jack, as soon as I’ve checked on Myfanwy. She appears to be sneezing and coughing quite badly again. Ianto, I know you’re worried – sorry, _CONCERNED_ – but if you’re just going to hover while I check her over, do me a favour and stay down here, yeah?

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47

 

It’s not hovering, it’s making sure she doesn’t bite your hand off. There is a rather large difference. She seemed to be getting better. I’ve not let her out for more than fresh air, she gets so cooped up. But not in the rain, obviously, although from what I’ve observed rain doesn’t affect her that much – not as much as heat, but we’ve had such cold weather lately…

 

I wasn’t objecting, Jack, just wondering if I was going to be asked on this date, or just summoned for it?

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god, concerned._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47

 

My report is complete, Jack, and I’ve sent it through. I’ve got a lovely bit of coding to do this afternoon, if nothing else happens. Having said that, I bet we get Rift activity now, or Weevils, or something!

 

I’m in the mood for sushi, actually. Gwen? Ianto?

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard, intrigued._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47

 

Aren’t biscuits just as bad for weevils as they are for the squirrel rat?

 

Sushi sounds lovely if nobody else has any objections. But then so does pasta! I’m easy.

 

 **Gwen**

 _Settling into domestic…harmony?_

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47

 

Sushi sounds good.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god, concerned._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47

 

Summoned wasn’t what I was going for, Ianto. It was supposed to be more of a ‘majestically sweep you off your feet’ thing. I’ll try harder next time.

 

Report seems exemplary as always, Tosh. Thank you :)

 

I can live with sushi. Don’t forget to give my love to the Mayor, Ianto.

 

 **(A slightly hungry) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47

 

A packet of biscuits between two weevils, Gwen, in human terms is about the same as Jack and Ianto sharing a packet. However, one biscuit to the squirrel rat is about the equivalent of one meat-feast pizza to one of us. Quite frankly, I’m surprised he’s not fatter than he is.

 

And yes, Jack, I’ve checked – it is just fat. I’m working on a new training schedule now.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe and Squirrel Rat Expert, So Stop Questioning Me, GWEN!_

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47

 

Swept off my feet usually involves more bruising.

 

Sushi order has been phoned in to the restaurant, I’ll be picking it up shortly.

 

Owen, about Myfanwy – is the medication having any effect at all?

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god, concerned._   


* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47

 

Jack, I’ve attached that Rift data you wanted. Nothing unusual about it, as far as I can see. If there’s nothing else I’m going to get stuck into that code now.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard, intrigued._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47

 

Well if it wasn’t you, Owen, who’s been feeding the thing then? It’s not me!

 

I’ve had a call from Andy, I’ll be off out after lunch, he thinks he’s got something for us. I’ll have my phone and comm.

 

 **Gwen**

 _Settling into domestic…harmony._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47

 

Yes, Ianto, it’s working fine, she’s just had a minor set-back. She’ll be fine in a few days or so. STOP FUSSING!

 

Will somebody please distract him while I go check on the thing? Jack, I’m looking at you here.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe and Super Pterodactyl Vet (When Not Distracted By Archivists With A Mother-Hen Complex)._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47

 

Don’t worry, Owen, I’m already on it. Lunch in my office, Ianto? ;)

 

 **(A mischievous) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *  


To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47

 

I’M NOT FUSSING.

 

I’m going to get lunch. Back in fifteen minutes.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god, concerned._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47

 

Of course you’re not. She’s your pet, it’s perfectly natural. But she will be fine you know.

 

 **Gwen**

 _Settling into domestic…harmony?_

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47

 

Gwen went out at one and she’s not back yet. I hope Andy hasn’t jumped on her!!

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard, amused._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47

 

Gwen will be fine, Tosh, as will Myfanwy, Ianto. And before you say anything, Jack, just because Ianto is still in the archives doesn’t mean he’s been turned into a pile of dust by one of the artefacts!

 

NOW WILL YOU ALL STOP FUSSING!!!!!

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47

 

And Ianto thinks I can’t detect humour in emails! Owen, perhaps you should go for a walk, clear your head a bit.

 

I think I’ll go check that Ianto hasn’t been eaten by anything...just in case. ;)

 

 **(A devious) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 47

 

Gwen, I’ve got a proposition for you when you get back. How about I hold Jack down and you punch his lights out, because THOSE SMILEY FACES ARE STARTING TO GET ON MY FUCKING NERVES!!!

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 


	10. Newsletter no. 48

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Newsletter no. 48

 

News

 

Rather a slow week. Several weevil sightings but the warm weather has made them all stick to the sewers on the most part.

 

Gwen brought several missing persons cases to Jack’s attention but it’s been decided that Torchwood can’t do anything about them.

 

Myfanwy is entirely recovered and has unfortunately started brooding. Any items of clothing and/or furniture that go missing are claimable on expenses, provided I can see the item in her nest.

 

Also two of the squirrel rats have been mating. The female has now produced twins. Owen is in Deep Trouble for missing this.

 

Personnel issues

 

Jack would like to remind the entire staff that unless they’ve been called in at night, between the hours of 9pm and 7am the Hub is his home and everyone should be sensitive to that. He suggests we ask ourselves how we’d feel if he barged into our homes with no good reason.

 

Inmates

Two weevils (Janet and Marlene).

Fish tank.

Squirrel rats (12. Owen, HOW DID YOU MISS THIS?).

Four humans (Jack, Ianto, Gwen & Tosh).

One King of the Weevils, or the walking dead (Owen).

Pteranodon (Myfanwy).

 

Miscellaneous

 

Jack would like the squirrel rats segregated immediately, or neutered. Given they’re pack animals, neutering would probably be preferable.

 

Also whoever keeps leaving sex toys on my desk, please stop. I really don’t need them.

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

...Would you all believe me if I told you I knew she was pregnant and that I was going to surprise the girls by presenting them with a baby squirrel rat each?

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _A Very, VERY Apologetic Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

No.

 

I assume you’ve segregated them and are in the process of neutering them all?

 

Also, why does there appear to be lots of wood in your autopsy bay? And don’t think I didn’t notice that hammer on your desk.

 

 **Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

...It’s a surprise?

 

Okay, FINE, I’m building the squirrel rats an obstacle course. I thought if they got more exercise they might stop shagging each other every ten minutes. I’m also debating buying them all numbered jumpers and opening a betting ring.

 

And before Gwen starts getting all indignant, no it won’t harm them, it’ll do them some good, and it might make you, Jack and Ianto stop looking like I’ve just announced that I’m going to put the pterodactyl down and then sell her to the local slaughter house.

 

Segregation is complete and I’m about to start neutering them now. I’ll put them all back in with Baby Squirrel Rat when I’m done.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

Is that why you wanted nails out of the toolbox? I did wonder. You will be making sure it’s structurally sound, I presume?

 

If you do start bets, my money’s on that little wiry one.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god. Depressed._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

…sex toys on your desk? Do I want to know?

 

Also, Owen, do you want to add any electronic components to your obstacle course? Buttons they have to press to get through a door, that sort of thing? Let me know. I used to build mazes for my pet hamsters as a child. It’s simple electronics, really, but I don’t get to do enough of that now. It’s all much more high tech!

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard, surrounded by sex-crazed creatures._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

So that's Ianto for the little wiry one and I'm, obviously, backing Baby Squirrel Rat. Girls, Jack, care to pick a squirrel rat before I go out and buy jackets?

 

Tosh, you are a bloody genius and I could kiss you. I am coming over there now with my current blue-print. And don't tell me you're working, I can see your Minesweeper game from my desk.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

Finish neutering them first, Owen. And I want full plans on my desk to be approved before you start building anything.

 

 **Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

...Did you get out of the wrong side of your cot this morning, Jack, or is Ianto withholding sex again? Whatever’s wrong with you, do us a favour, yeah, and bloody cheer up. You’re even making the weevils depressed.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

Owen, leave it alone.

 

I’ll do the lunch run today. What’s everyone after?

 

 **Gwen**

 _Learning to keep her mouth shut._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

Just a salad for me, Gwen, thanks. Jack, don’t worry, the plans will be sound.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard, surrounded by sex-crazed creatures._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

I blame Owen, Tosh. I know for definite that it isn’t Jack, none of the toys are interesting enough for it to be him. And I doubt it’s Gwen.

 

Salad for me too, Gwen, since I can see Jack glaring at me and he still thinks I don’t eat enough vegetables. But a sandwich too, chicken if they have it, ham and mustard if not.

 

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god. Depressed._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

Gwen Cooper, medical bay, NOW. I want your head scanned.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

Owen, she’s fine, just leave it alone.

 

Pasta salad please, Gwen, if you can. Not bothered what type, if you can’t get me one just get me whatever you get Ianto.

 

Fine, Tosh, I’ll leave you two to get on with it.

 

I’m going out after lunch to sort some stuff out downtown. I’m not expected to be finished before nine and my phone will be off, but Ianto knows how to contact me in an End of the World Emergency.

 

...Ianto, if you haven’t got a last-minute family thing, any chance you can hang-around late? I’d appreciate it.

 

 **Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

That’s fine, Jack, I have work to do anyway.

 

Gwen, could you perhaps give me a hand in the archives after lunch? I have some things to move around and the trolley really needs two people to manoeuvre around the shelving.

 

Everyone, expenses are due at the end of the week if you want them signed off by the end of the quarter.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god. Depressed._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

Sure, Ianto, that’s fine.

 

I’ll go for lunch now. Call if anyone wants anything extra.

 

 **Gwen**

 _Learning to keep her mouth shut._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

We’re going to need more wood, Owen. And nails. And I’m thinking we need some plastic to mould for the top, we need to take measurements and order something.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard – project!!!_

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

I’ll head out and get some more stuff, Tosh, while you lot eat your lunch. Any chance I can sign this off on expenses, Ianto?

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

I’m going to head out now. I’m not hungry so would somebody get Gwen to put my lunch in the fridge for me? I’ve left the SUV in case you guys need it.

 

 **Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

Okay, this is obviously more than Jack just feeling a bit grumpy. I’ve never seen him so...subdued. Seriously, Ianto, as his doctor, is there anything I should be worried about?

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

I’m taking care of it, Owen. There’s nothing medically wrong.

 

Take the company credit card with you when you go to buy supplies – as it’s for inmate aliens, it’s all classed as a company expense.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god. Depressed._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

Honestly though, Ianto, is there anything we can do? I’m not asking what’s happened, but I don’t like seeing him like this.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard – project!!!_

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

Thanks, Tosh, but I don’t think so.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god. Depressed._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

So my list so far includes:

\- Wood

\- Nails

\- Plastic sheets

\- Jelly babies

\- 5 squirrel rat sized jumpers (though I’m assuming that, since this isn’t a ‘necessity’, that it comes out of my own money, Ianto?)

 

I’ll order the plastic moulds online, Tosh, once we’ve got all the measurements sorted.

 

My non-squirrel rat list includes:

\- large Dairy Milk for Tosh

\- Crunchie for Gwen

\- Sudoku monthly for me.

 

Now Gwen’s back I’ll head out. Ring if you want anything else brought in and if you decide you do want some chocolate, Ianto.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

Yes, the jumpers aren’t necessities. But why only five? And why jelly babies?

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god. Depressed._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

Same reason I bought a toblerone I guess – for Jack.

 

 **Gwen**

 _Learning to keep her mouth shut._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

Actually, Owen, wait until I’ve finished my lunch and I’ll come with you. We’re going to need some wiring and electrical components that I don’t keep on hand, and…no offence…it’s going to be easier and quicker for me to just come, rather than trying to explain what we need!

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard – project!!!_

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

Actually, the jelly babies are for the squirrel rats; I’ve found some sugar free ones that they’ll eat and I use them as rewards when I’m training them. However, if you can think of something sweet that will stop Jack looking as if he’s about to be thrown off a cliff then I’ll pick it up.

 

I was going to buy 5 jumpers, one for each squirrel rat we pick, but I can pick up one for each rat, especially as Gwen, Tosh and Jack are yet to pick a squirrel rat.

 

Tosh, I’m ready when you are.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

 _* * *_

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

Looks like it’s just you and me this afternoon, then, Gwen. I’ll be ready to head down to the archives in ten minutes – I’ll just make coffee for us to take down.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god. Depressed._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

Alright. Completed blueprints are on your desk, Jack, and all materials (apart from the moulded plastic to go on top) have been bought or ordered.

 

As it’s now half past five, and everything’s quiet, I’m taking the evening off. Owen, fancy going to the cinema? There’s a new film out I’d like to see, but it’s never as nice going alone. Also I think I’ll end up crying.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard – project!!!_

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

Why not, Tosh, it’s not as if I’ve got anything better to do...it’s not something completely soppy, though, is it?

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

‘The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas’. The book was brilliant but tragic. I want to see the film, but…

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard – project!!!_

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

Whatever you end up doing, please don’t forget Jack’s request that the Hub is considered his home at night, and don’t come to work off your misery.

 

And yes. It’ll be misery.

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god. Depressed._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

Despite Ianto’s attempts to put me off, Tosh, I’ll go with you. Sounds like you’re going to need somebody to hold your hand through it.

 

Don’t worry, Ianto, we’ll find some other way of working off our misery, though we both know Tosh will probably end up doing work at home.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

Ianto, just to let you know I’m running a little late, but I should be done by 10. Can we meet up at your place instead? I need a night away from Torchwood, Rift allowing.

 

Unless something has blown up you are all free to go home, but make sure somebody has the Rift alerts diverted to their phone.

 

I’m turning my phone back off now, I’ll turn it back on once I’m on my way back.

 

 **Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

 _Sent from my BlackBerry from Virgin Mobile._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

Good morning, everyone. I still need expenses forms from Gwen, Owen and Jack. I’ll repeat: if they’re not in by the end of the week they will NOT be approved for this quarter.

 

Also – why is there a small mountain of sweets and chocolates on Jack’s desk?

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god, bemused._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

We’re trying to make him feel better. At least, that’s why I bought my share…

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard – project!!!_

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

Ianto, my expenses form is complete, though I assume you want to check it first?

 

Thank you for the sweets, I appreciate it and I’ll try and make more of an effort to not act like a “grumpy bastard”, or whatever other phrases Owen has been using.

 

Tosh, I’ve looked over the obstacle course plans and they look sound. Assuming you and Owen have nothing more urgent to be doing, feel free to start on the building work.

 

 **(A slightly more upbeat) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

Grumpy bastard is as accurate a phrase as any, Jack.

 

Tosh, I’ve got those measurements for the moulded plastic. I’ll order them now and then how about we make a start?

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

Give me fifteen minutes, Owen, I’ve just got to finish checking the night’s readings.

 

I have to admit I’m really excited about this. It’s been far too long since I did some basic electronics and engineering!

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard – project!!!_

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

I’ve nearly finished mine Ianto, just waiting for a final price on repairing my phone. Shop said I’d get it back either today or tomorrow, so if it’s okay to wait another day I’ll give you the form tomorrow afternoon? If they don’t get back to me I’ll just estimate it.

 

 **Gwen**

 _Learning to keep her mouth shut._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

That sounds like an excellent idea, Jack. I’ll bring some coffee up, shall I?

 

 **Ianto**

 _Coffee god, bemused._

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

Ianto Jones, you read my mind. ;)

 

 **(An even more upbeat) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

Oh dear. Well having recently walked in on them I advise everyone to mind the closed door!!!

 

 **Gwen**

 _Learning to keep her mouth shut._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

Owen is keeping working downstairs, but I’m breaking for lunch. Gwen, want to come on the lunch run with me? It looks as though Jack and Ianto are still…occupied.

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard – project!!!_

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

Sure Tosh, sounds good. Give me a couple of minutes to finish this report. I guess since they’re busy, they don’t get a say in lunch?

 

 **Gwen**

 _Relaxing, slowly._

 

* * *

 

To: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com, Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

They can have what we get them without complaining. I’d put a smiley face there but I know you don’t like them!!

 

 **Tosh**

 _Tech wizard – project!!!_

 

* * *

 

To: Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

As long as you don’t get pizza, Ianto and I will eat whatever you provide us with. Also, if you feel the temptation to have a long-lunch, I’ll not complain ;)

 

 **(A much happier) Captain Jack Harkness.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

...Somebody let me know when it’s safe to come back up there.

 

 **Doctor Owen Harper**

 _Saviour of the Universe._

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Owen <owen.harper@torchwood3.com>, Tosh <toshiko.sato@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 48

 

Right, it’s half five, I’m off home. Rhys is cooking and if I’m late I’ll have hell to pay!

 

 **Gwen**

 _Relaxing, slowly._

 


	11. Newsletter no. 49

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Newsletter no. 49

 

News

 

Several bombs were positioned throughout the city. Some considerable damage has been caused, although there has been minimal loss of life. The Hub remains intact and the Rift has been stable.

 

The nuclear power plant was saved from meltdown by the timely and heroic actions of Dr Owen Harper and Toshiko Sato.

 

The Weevil population briefly surged to the surface during the incident; they seemed to respond to a particular frequency. Research on that will take place at some point in the future. They have returned to the sewers, with a few exceptions. Some have become rabid and have been put down.

 

Gwen will be liaising with the police for the clear-up and rebuilding of Cardiff.

 

Personnel issues

 

Toshiko Sato has been laid to rest in vault no. 304. The nuclear power plant cannot be entered and as such the body of Owen Harper is irretrievable.

 

Jack has the details of a UNIT counsellor should anyone wish to speak about the events of the past few days.

 

Inmates

Two weevils (Janet and Marlene).

Fish tank.

Squirrel rats (12).

Three humans (Jack, Ianto & Gwen).

Pteranodon (Myfanwy).

 

Miscellaneous

 

The obstacle course is half-finished. Are we going to dismantle it or finish it?

 

* * *

 

To: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 49

 

We’ll decide tomorrow, Ianto. Everything can wait until tomorrow. Get your stuff together; we're all going home.

 

 **Jack.**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

From: Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 49

 

We can’t just leave it there.

 

 **Ianto**

 

* * *

 

To: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 49

 

No, he’s right Jack. We can’t just leave it like that. It’s not right.

 

I’m not good at stuff like that but I could…hammer nails in or something?

 

 **Gwen**

 

* * *

 

To: Gwen <gwen.cooper@torchwood3.com>, Ianto <ianto.jones@torchwood3.com>

From: Captain Jack <jack.harkness@torchwood3.com>

Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 49

 

You’re right. We’ll finish it together; I think even Owen....

 

Tomorrow; we’ll sort all the details out about who does what tomorrow. Tonight we all go home and grieve.

 

 **Jack.**

 


End file.
